Does Time ever turn back?

Where does this road lead? She had not wondered until she reached the bend. She never felt the necessity to wonder.

Every path she had tread until a few years back had been well laid out for her. All rocks carefully removed and all grains and pebbles strained away lest they hurt her. She was so used to prancing barefoot on these harmless trails, so accustomed to being picked up even if she faltered a step, so much entwined within the fabric of her home, so very dependent on the people she had known for years for every little word of encouragement and affection that she took them for granted. She never once thought before she made a phone call at 3 in the morning to cry a little into sympathetic ears before an exam she was scared of, or when she felt homesick among the multitude of kids around or when she broke a photo frame or when she dashed a bottle of perfume or to rejoice for a game she had won, or when she couldn't sleep over a bad dream. Now she hesitates.

People grow apart. Not necessarily out of diminishing attachments, neither out of force of habit, but because of expanding circles of life and ever growing responsibilities. She thinks before she makes a phone call now and henceforth always will.

I wish time would turn back. She has closed her eyes in an attempt to shield herself on the roads she has been walking solitary for the past some time. She walks mechanically. Sometimes, looking over her shoulders hoping someone will come to her just like they always did, if she missed a step, when she would play in the yard, blindfolded. They do not. Turning back, she can see all eyes on her, just like the first day she stood up and took a step unaided. They applauded then. Today, they just watch, silent, and apprehensive. Why don't they tell her what to do? Why don't they tell her what's been bothering them as they used to? Why won't they walk with her? She is so used to them. She looks away to wipe the wet on her cheeks and walks on wondering. Why do they pretend to have become so indifferent? Don't they worry anymore? Why don't they talk to her anymore like they used to? Why won't they come to play with her in the evenings? Why won't they hide their chocolates only to let her steal them later? Why won't they quarrel with her over a comic book? Why won't they even incite her to hit them with her fisted hands, and laugh at her attempts? Why will they just smile a worried little smile when she speaks incessantly and incoherently as is her wont? Why won't they show her how to paint a door? Why won't they put up streamers and balloons on her birthday? Why won't they read a book to her in the afternoons? Why won't they fly a kite with her anymore and take her to their cricket grounds as an umpire? Why aren't they there to carry her down when she climbs up a flower tree to hide? Why won't they comb her hair and tidy her when she comes home dirty, from wallowing in mud ponds in the village? Why won't they hide her behind the sofa when their mother loses patience over the nth broken tea cup? Why don't they put her on their bicycle and take her around town anymore? Why won't they make fun of her when she fools around in their oversized shoes?

Will Time never turn back?
The pain is overwhelming.
She lets the road lead her wherever it will.
Walk she will!

Riding the Waves

A storm brew in the distance
Silent waves yet cradled the boat
I knew it wasn't far
They would be dashed to the rocks
The tide kept rising
Submerged the shore
Riding the Waves,they prayed
Deftly they steered the boat
But the storm bore down
Gasping, they resurfaced
I knew it wasn't far
They would never make it ashore.

First Game Fizzles out!

I had 'Great Expectations' from the first match India was going to play in the World Cup. I specially packed my toothbrush, comb and some buiscuits to go over to my friends place to watch the match. We kept our fingers crossed, but all hopes of a victory were dashed when India lost to Bangladesh by 5 wickets. It was depressing the way we batted. Even the ones who managed above 50 runs, did so at the expense of time and overs lost. It was a disaster from the start. I wont venture to post the scorecard (psst..its embarrassing!)
To reduce our gloom we switched channels and watched the Ireland Vs Pakistan match. Pakistan had worse fate than ours. They lost with a score of 132!
There are slim chances of us going to the Super 8. Sri Lanka are a tough team, and they've already won their first One Day against Bermuda. We will win against Bermuda but Sri Lanka will be a more skilled opponent. Still Sri Lanka are our only hope, since my faith in the Indian team has suffered considerably after the night out of yesterday. May we win against them.

Come 19th and I will pack my toothbrush once more and head towards my friends place.

The Craziness of it All

A needle poking from my mattress? My mother always told me not to do any sewing on the bed. Had I listened to her I would not have to get up and feel the entire length and breadth of the stupid mattress at 3.30 in the night. Probably a fibre of whatever it is made of! It sure is annoying.

Anyhow it is not very cheering to get up at 3.00 when you finally somehow cajoled yourself to sleep at 2.30. And then lie awake after some silly nightmare. I knew the day would be bad from the start. For one I came back by the 3.15 bus in the afternoon. I should have stayed on, gone for tea with friends in the evening, but who listens to reason. I have to do what I will. I flipped on the lights, tried watching 'Chicken Little' to soothe my nerves a bit(I love to see him fly off on the soda bottle!), wrote a stray text message, got a glass of water, ate a few cookies and some chocolate, but to no avail. What is scarier than the nightmare is the dread, looking at the watch produces. Its 5.00 AM and work in 3 hours time(though not too much to keep me busy through the day). The very thought vapourises whatever little inclination to go back to sleep might have remained.

The craziness of it all! I will not leave work until the hands on my watch show 6.15 in the evening. Work or no work, I will stay put until I can come home with not more than 4 hours at my disposal. Surf the net, fix dinner, talk to friends, surf the net, write a little, read a bit, and be off to sleep.

Of chocolates and More

Met a friend after 6 years. I got my long overdue treat of chocolates(though it was bigger than a treat owing to the time elapsed and the interest accrued). I have a big box of Ferrero Rocher, 2 Lindts, a Toblerone and a Temptations at my disposal :-) I just adore them in this pic. I could look at them for hours!

It was good to talk of old times.

Of broken Tea Cups and Road Trips

I honestly don't remember how many pieces it broke into, although I picked them up myself. I should have counted. Anyways, it had lived its life well, and was destined to break. What doesn't please me is I was instrumental in facilitating its end.

I have always found road trips very interesting and exciting. Yesterday was another sort of a road trip. Foremost, it was on foot. Second, it wasn't a trip at all. It was actually a hunt for a house.

Wandering around an unknown city with 3 friends in tow, the streetlamps to show us the path, my Sunday wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be(Infact I enjoyed it). This sort of an approach works sometimes. Expect absolutely the worst from a situation and you may end up being surprised by what meets you . I wouldn't recommend this approach to anyone. This causes one to become an underachiever if applied to everything in life. It is only when you land in an unknown place and are desperate to try and make it your home, that you should come with your head full of apprehensions, misgivings and ghosts.
I may or may not have found what I had been looking for but in the process, I have discovered what is real.

Yet Another Day

Incessant rains in the city for the past two days. Watched Black Friday yesterday. Good movie but I wouldnt like to watch it a second time. Too much of stark truth is bad for the senses. I like the songs by the music group Indian Ocean.
It is wet and cold again, and I am spending my last few evenings in the National Capital Region reading newspaper with friends over pizza, tea, old songs, singing and talking.

This is yet another day in my life.

With V-day around the corner, the malls are adorned with big red hearts. My cousin, with his ever enterprising ideas, says : "When I have a mall of my own, I will hang up such hearts and place people in the opposite gallery with shot guns!" He is a good sport and I appreciate his ideas for all they are worth.
I was reading the Times yesterday and I had to use filters to protect my eyes from the red that shone on each page! One article about V-day that I found sensible and really funny is called "Lovers as Buffoons". This is the link to it. http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/1590361.cms

I was talking to my friend this morning and he says: "Your posts are so big! I look at them once and yawn. Then I start reading and by the time I reach the last line I have already forgotten where I began!".

My aunt called me up this morning, obviously annoyed at me for not showing up at her place for the past two weeks and having the audacity of not giving her a phone call.

I have to talk to my HR today and move on with my life.
People have been trying to shield and protect me from the big bad world. Surprisingly they are more scared than I am.

Another day in my life. Cannot even classify it as good or bad. I can just hope the next one is better.

Zindagi Rocks!

My cell jumped out of my grip this morning like so many other past instances as I descended the stairs! But this was to be its last jump to freedom. My humour's gone missing. I cannot hear it ring, I can see a tiny triangle in the top left corner, where some gibberish gets displayed. Rest of the screen is blank. Thankfully I have owned it for an eternity, and know its ways well(atleast I thought so). Confidently I dialled a number by punching in the name of the callee and called someone else instead . I told my mom about it and she fainted! Other catches to this are: Most of the numbers are stored in my phone memory, and I cannot retieve them, I cannot set the alarm hence am at the mercy of others to wake me up, I cannot set reminders and am at risk of forgetting other important events...

I forgot my cousin's birthday yesterday(Point to be noted - My phone was healthy then). I had been reminding myself until Sunday that I have to call him on 16th. I did not remind myself on Monday and there goes! I wake up on Wednesday remembering I missed something on Tuesday! The throbbing in my temples from Tuesday is so much in love with me, that it refuses to leave. Why does this always happen with me? I am jinxed. As long as people don't get too mad at me, I can handle it. I called him up tonight and made up for yesterday. Saved.

I picked up the newspaper. Everything is painted with Abhishek's engagement to Aishwarya (Now I suffer from a broken heart as well). As if that was not enough, they print discussions about the Bunt or some such community wanting the wedding according to their customs! How are we concerned with all this or for that matter anything they write in the Times? This was the story of the actual newspaper(wait till you risk reading the Delhi Times)! I have stopped reading the supplements except for the cartoon strips. It is an absolute waste of recycled paper. I strongly recommend they 're-recycle' these pages and put them to better use.

Slogging all day is not enough. Work is spilling over and I have to work at home as well. Come Saturday.
And they haven't yet announced the date for the GIR.
All I can say is "My life Rocks"!

Saturday Morning - Memory Loss

"Why don't you remember such things?"

My friend always gets mad at me, because I have a tendency to make others mad at me. I was sitting idle after a long and tiring day, where I had talked myself hoarse trying to glean and bestow all project knowledge resident in my head to a fellow teammate(He had to give up life in the Indian Army to work as a software engineer - Life is seldom fair as I always say), when my friend asked me this question:

A: "Did you inform all your friends in Bangalore about the delay in your scheduled arrival?"

Me: "Yes ... Not all...Thanks for reminding me...I will send out texts tonight"

A: "Why don't you remember such things?"

Me:"I don't remember so many things most of the time , A."
No replies for a long time after this statement.

Take for instance I went for a movie (infact two movies - morning and afternoon shows) last Saturday morning.

After having been through the security,my cousin and I secured a big bag of popcorn and a large tumbler of Pepsi and sat down on the stairs with 10 minutes to go for the movie. One of the staff ladies walked over to me and asked(obviously annoyed at us for placing ourselves on the staircase and ruining the decorum of Waves Cinemas by our 'popcorn munching antics'!) : "Which movie are you watching today?" I went blank!

Me: "Wait a second. "

I took out the movie tickets, looked at them and then told her "Anwar"(Why doesnt my cousin come to my rescue? He will pay for it, once I've answered the lady). She said, "You can walk into the audi", and she walked away smiling in disbelief! My cousin was in splits! How can a person remember so much? How do you expect me to remember the name of the movie I came to watch, when I have to remember a thousand other things(I don't remember which - That's a different matter altogether)?

Very diligently , I made sure to let my friends know tonight that I did not manage to get to Bangalore today. I will be there on 14th or 15th of Feb. I hope they forgive my forgetfulness! I am not as bad at remembering things as people think. I sometimes just choose to ignore when my brain and my heart says "beep" and "thud" respectively, not necessarily in that order. They sometimes do so in isolation as well, where just one of them needs to work! Apologies yet again. I know you are never mad at me :-)

Undefined

There are things that keep coming back to me. Life seldom is fair. We are thrown against rocks very often. We can choose to be knocked about, or find a ledge and make our way uphill. Some things are meant to be, they are destined, and however much we try to change the course of events, we cannot stop them from materializing. We can choose to be a helpless audience or we can make the best effort we can to avert what is to be. In the latter case atleast we have a sense of pride and an assurance that we did all we could.
Some things are there, looking us in the eyes. We can choose not to recognize them or we can forget our fears and misgivings and try to seek a familiarity.

Life cannot be so bad afterall.

Javeda Zindagi

I had absolutely no idea about the movie 'Anwar' or the cast. Chanced upon two songs. One ('Maula') was given to me by my colleague and the other I heard on the radio. And I got hooked on to the second one, just like I got latched on to 'Tere bina' from 'Guru'. This song is called Javeda Zindagi('tose Naina Laagey')


I plan to listen to it continuously the whole day today, until I can find out what is it about the song that I like. It could be the words, the music, the rythm, the voice of the singers or something I can relate to...I am not sure yet. I will have to think over it.


We think, we speak(either to an audience or to ourselves), we write, we have a conversation. All this effort is directed towards defining what needs to be spelt out. We need not do it. There never was a requirement to the effect where we would want to let someone know who we are or what we think. How does it matter what I signify in the teeming multitude? I can think that all of us should give up our jobs, go to the villages and work on farms. I can wish we never had the concept of cars, electricity and air conditioning or a blog for that matter. I can wish I struggle to make ends meet and yet be happy, because I would be with the people I love. I could long for so many different things which would be simply impossible to enumerate in this little space of my blog. But now that I have spelt out "I can wish", I will always have this little prose of mine to come back to and recount my dreams. At the end of the day, we may retract some of what we have been thinking in the course of the day. Yet again, what's the big deal?



There's no one who will sit on judgement and pronounce a verdict, if I go back on what I believe. But wouldn't that be equivalent to dishonesty to oneself, which is worse than being untrue to a second person? I can think over it, which is like exploring whether I am in sync with my thoughts. Either I will convince my thoughts, or my thoughts will convince me but when we face the world together, square and strong, we both should speak and resonate in synchronism.

Of Meetings and More

My Last working day!

History:
Joined - 8th June 2005
Promoted - April 2006
Resignation - 13th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Project Manager(PM) - 13th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Noida Operations Head - 13th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Line Manager(LM) - 14th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with HR - 14th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Senior HR Consultant - 17th Dec 2006

Offline Discussions with PM, LM and HR - Innumerable.

8th January 2007 - Train at 5 PM
Project Status Meeting 1 PM - Everything under control.
Exit Meeting - Scheduled 2PM
Rescheduled 4PM
Rescheduled 4.45 PM
Rescheduled 5.30 PM
Intimation from Finance Dept that they have not yet been able to process my Citibank Account outstanding amount - 3.00PM

Result - Going to miss my train. Lost 2 kilos!

Letting Go

If you let go, You realise you never needed it and that your life is the same with or without it.

I understand, in some cases everything will not be the same instantly and may never be, but eventually you will feel liberated.

Something that makes no sense at all

I did not hang up my socks day before yesterday. As a result I was deprived of a gift from Santa (Santa Claus to be precise - We know of other Santas for e.g. Santa Singh!). I do not mind as long as Santa does not deprive me of the intangible gifts he had planned for me.
I was talking to a friend over the phone we had a hearty chat. About movies, the myriad unproductive ways we had spent the day, nick names, we even Compared 'Casino Royale' and 'Happy Feet'(as though there is anything to be compared between the two...By far Happy Feet is better - I am looking for another online war, alas the other person doesnt know I have been writing on the sly!)...at the end of each statement we concluded that the other had gone a little funny in the head. There were questions like why have things been kept secret from friends (hmm...scary truths...better not be revealed!). Other questions were like why Harry Potter's next book is called 'Deathly Hallows' and not 'Deadly Hallows' (??!!) Probably because deathly signifies a death like appearance while Deadly is something that can can cause death or be dangerous(How I can see through titles that J K Rowling thinks of!! I am not complacent though...I still need to find out the answer from that other enlightened soul when I get the opportunity to talk again...if I am considered worthy of it, that is). Who can understand what goes on in the minds of these authors. They write whatever they fancy should be written. We discussed Eragon. Why dont they release the movie quickly, some people are losing sleep over it! (??)
I had to spend a full half hour this morning reading about it and the new book Eldest. Will have to procure them and read them before I venture to watch the characters in action.
I am from patna, a small town in the state of Bihar. We have a low literacy rate (only 50 %) and it is a great concern to the people in Delhi. We dont have a choice. We barely manage to make ends meet. We are a huge number. We were ruled by a Govt., who after years of experiments with us has become adroit at managing the Indian Railways. We are struggling and trying our best to emerge out of this to a better day and more light. I digress. What I was going to discuss is nick names...'Shankar Parvati' (!!) and 'Gauri shankar'. I like them. Had my parents given me the freedom to choose my name, perhaps I would have chosen 'Shashikala' or 'Chandralata', or 'UmaMahesh' for that matter. Alas, I have not been given the option to choose what Id like to be called and persist with an unimaginative name.
I always make promises to myself and I always manage to disgrace that promise and to think of it, I used to consider my faith as my greatest strength.
Yet again I resolve on the day after Christmas.
I realise this post is preposterous. If any reader can make any sense of it, please sort it out for me. I fail at every attempt.

Interview on the Streets of Reading

As I left office for lunch and turned a corner in the King's Road, I was stopped by two kids. I was deep in thought and hence was walking with my head down. When they called out to me, startled I looked up and unconciously tensed. It turned out that the two kids were out to do a survey. They held a card board in hand with papers to write on and a questionnaire.

The following were their questions:

The boy with the black hat: Do you believe in God? (?)
Me: Yes I do(I mean what kind of silly question is this to ask at noon to a person who is hungry and has been staring at the computer for the past 3 hours with just a slice of bread and a glass of juice inside her?)(He makes a line on his paper in series with the existing lines just the way we used to in school for measuring frequency!)

The boy with the black hat: What makes you believe that there is a God? (??)
Me: aww..ummm(smile)
The boy with the black hat: Not Sure?
Me: The fact that I am here, alive, standing and talking to you makes me believe that there is a God (I give myself 8 on 10 for that answer - More confidence gained- a smug look on face now...Yet hungry and wondering what are these boys up to!! And I would not survive long if you keep me talking in this cold windy street.)

The boy with the black hat: Do you think there is a purpose to life? (???)
Me:(My purpose in life for the next 1 hour is to get back home, cook something, fill my poor grumbling tummy and get back to my work) Yes there definitely is! ( He doesnt understand...I am hungry!)

The boy with the black hat: What is your purpose in life?
Me: (Good question - I could have answered that had I wanted to before you asked me this question - Since you ask...) I just want happiness for the people who are connected to me and are important for me!

The boy with the black hat: What makes you happy?
Me: I am not sure.

The boy with the black hat: Where are you from?
Me: India(Ofcourse!! Can't you make out from my looks?)

The boy with the black hat:What are you? Hindu, Muslim, christian?
Me:(I am none of the above...I am hungry!!! Let me go!!) Hindu

The boy with the black hat then says, "Can have your number and address so that we can come and talk to you about all this" ?. I very politely tell him that I am going back to India on Tuesday and am busy at work everyday till then. He says OK and walks on after saying "It was nice talking to you" (!!).

I passed by the chapel on the street. I believe there is a God and have never questioned my belief. This belief is a sustenance for my soul. I wouldnt live through the hard days had I nothing to hold on to. I have faith..This keeps me going.

Back home in the evening. I have a lot of work to finish before this weekend. Yet I sit down and recount this incident today. I dont yet have the answer to the question "What makes me happy".