Of broken Tea Cups and Road Trips

I honestly don't remember how many pieces it broke into, although I picked them up myself. I should have counted. Anyways, it had lived its life well, and was destined to break. What doesn't please me is I was instrumental in facilitating its end.

I have always found road trips very interesting and exciting. Yesterday was another sort of a road trip. Foremost, it was on foot. Second, it wasn't a trip at all. It was actually a hunt for a house.

Wandering around an unknown city with 3 friends in tow, the streetlamps to show us the path, my Sunday wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be(Infact I enjoyed it). This sort of an approach works sometimes. Expect absolutely the worst from a situation and you may end up being surprised by what meets you . I wouldn't recommend this approach to anyone. This causes one to become an underachiever if applied to everything in life. It is only when you land in an unknown place and are desperate to try and make it your home, that you should come with your head full of apprehensions, misgivings and ghosts.
I may or may not have found what I had been looking for but in the process, I have discovered what is real.

Is this where I belong?

My job, my life, the city I lived in, all caused me unrest and I wanted to move away. I was on vacation from17th Nov to 4th Dec. Throughout the vacation in Mumbai, Patna, my village and Bangalore, I had been spending time studying OOPS, Database, solving puzzles. It all happened then. I appeared for an interview in an organization I had always wanted to be associated with, on 4th of Dec and that was my lucky day. I got what i had been looking for(atleast that is what I thought!). Oblivious of the perils of moving to a new city I accepted the offer. I am wiser.

I have already recounted days after my vaction when I resinged from my previous. And how they just refused to let me go till I served two months. I am thankful. I got to stay in the city I had got so used to that I almost ignored its existence, a month longer.
13th of February was my last day at work in Noida. My farewwell, friends, colleagues...I wouldnt like to recount all that. 14th of February was spent packing whatever was left of my belongings and visiting relatives and friends in Noida. It was a terrible day! Yet another I wouldnt like to relive or recount.

I reached New Delhi Airport at 7.45 on the morning of 15th February. The flight was supposed to take off at 9 AM. Jinxed as I am, they kept delaying the flight. I read, dozed off, changed places, walked around and watched news on TV. Then an airport staff assisted an old lady who sat down besides me. She appeared very uneasy. He told her that one of the staff will help her board at 11.40 AM. It was just 8.45 AM ! I was surprised at why she was at the airport so early! Nothing or no one could be more harmless than her so I decided I could talk to her for a while. I enquired about her destination and she told me that she was headed towards Ahmedabad. I looked at her ticket and assured her that the staff will take good care of her. It appeared that she was flying alone for the first time. She repeatedly told me that she had come to delhi with her nephew and his wife on a holiday and that they were staying back for a while. They had dropped her early because of "whatever silly reason" I do not remember. And that she liked the weather in Delhi but Ahmedabad was much better. She told me her brother lived in Bangalore (where I was headed). She kept talking but never did I see her smile once. I got her a cup of tea just as they announced my flight. We got in the queue, but they delayed the flight yet again (as I had expected) and I sat down to read.

Reached Bangalore by 3 PM. My first day. I was feeling out of place. Now I am looking for a place to stay. Its shocking to see the houses available for rent. I am hopeful I will find something good before this week ends(there are so many friends helping me out). I have not yet settled down in this city and my employers want me to move to Hyderabad for 6 months on an assingment. I decided not to go.

Things have been moving so quickly, I do not remember most of it. I got my ID card, roamed the huge campus on bicycle, met with my college friends, tripped and fell from the library staircase, missed my bus one morning, did not write for the past 10- 12 days, and dropped a cup placed at my workstation.

Is this where I belong?

I do not know yet.

Of Countries Far Away

It is a long way away. I looked for it on a map, in vain. Its not marked :-( .But I have heard anyway. It is little as little can be. I have seen it in my dreams, for sure. It is pretty as pretty can be. A wishing well, silver pail I searched for it all over, over hours. The meadow is vast. But you will find it without fail.

I picked a scrap last night, I made it into a tiny boat and set it sail, didn't you see? Raindrops poured, it had to put up a fight.

This place I was remembering, have you heard of it? It is rugged, yet serene. Flowers peep out of every crevice, every winding. There are birds, brown, blue, red, and green. There are willows, dipping into sparkling streams. Squirrels and bees. I especially liked this little mongoose. It nosed its way over the flower beds. I bent down to look at it. Oblivious of my presence, it carried on. Sweet oblivion!

Yet Another Day

Incessant rains in the city for the past two days. Watched Black Friday yesterday. Good movie but I wouldnt like to watch it a second time. Too much of stark truth is bad for the senses. I like the songs by the music group Indian Ocean.
It is wet and cold again, and I am spending my last few evenings in the National Capital Region reading newspaper with friends over pizza, tea, old songs, singing and talking.

This is yet another day in my life.

With V-day around the corner, the malls are adorned with big red hearts. My cousin, with his ever enterprising ideas, says : "When I have a mall of my own, I will hang up such hearts and place people in the opposite gallery with shot guns!" He is a good sport and I appreciate his ideas for all they are worth.
I was reading the Times yesterday and I had to use filters to protect my eyes from the red that shone on each page! One article about V-day that I found sensible and really funny is called "Lovers as Buffoons". This is the link to it. http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/1590361.cms

I was talking to my friend this morning and he says: "Your posts are so big! I look at them once and yawn. Then I start reading and by the time I reach the last line I have already forgotten where I began!".

My aunt called me up this morning, obviously annoyed at me for not showing up at her place for the past two weeks and having the audacity of not giving her a phone call.

I have to talk to my HR today and move on with my life.
People have been trying to shield and protect me from the big bad world. Surprisingly they are more scared than I am.

Another day in my life. Cannot even classify it as good or bad. I can just hope the next one is better.

Walking the Line

I have walked the line
It took me an eternity
Life passed me by
I did not reach out

I could have fallen over
It required a resolve
Love passed me by
I shut my eyes

I am still not there
It has sapped my vigor
Yearnings passed me by
I kept the line in sight

Dreams vaporized
Nothing at this end
Days passed me by
Nothing where I began

I will not wish
Jinxed as I am
I will not see nor hear
What is willed will be

I will walk the line
I will not search,I will lose
What's now will never be
What was willed will be.

To Hell With Everything

I had decided I would quit thinking and writing for a while. I could desist from writing but I could not stop brooding. The turmoil is so great and there's no other outlet, so I turn back to my blog. Back too soon.

I resist, protest, defy.
The feverish pace at which we are moving towards our ends drives me out of my senses.It haunts me. Helplessness is an inapt word for it. Everywhere one turns there is madness...People are possessed. There's nothing that's simple anymore. We want bigger cars, more money, newer cell phones, better jobs, better blogs. There's a global unanimous chant I can hear with every breath I take "To hell with everything and everyone". There's aggression behind every lineament.

Blogs have caught up in the big way. I am sure this is a slightly positive sign...the generation is aware. But the downside to it is, we are belligerent. My blog is better than yours! I have more movie reviews than X. I have written more on what's wrong with women and what's wrong with men. I am empty. Sadly, I have never really had the courage to write what I really know is the truth.

Substance abuse. We realise the hazards, we just dont give a damn. Actually we do not have the time to think whether we give a damn or we dont. Even if we think, it is invariably 10 different thoughts at the same instant. The end result is we manage to consume the time on our hands, fill in the gaps between work, socialization, theatre, movies, blogs, but we never have a logical, productive conclusion to each of those 10 things that we had chosen to think about, because 9 out of 10 times, the cellphone will ring or we find the internet more interesting than the draggy ponderings! All this masquerade we hide behind is aimed at attempting to not see what's right under our noses. We have fears, we have losses, we have shortcomings, but we are non accepting, judgemental, crooked, well read, well educated, lofty, smart, we've seen the world. Why do we ham, when we know we are amateurs? We raise petty questions, bigger questions we choose to ignore.

I write in the first person because I am one of us. I choose to forget certain things, I choose to remember certain others although subconciously I remember everything. It's akin to the cache and the main memory of a computer. I choose to speak something, while I believe something else!

Political intolerance, religious intolerance, existential intolerance. Rising intelligence and information levels have triggered a very unusual era.

People have always been scared of rejection. This phenomenon is not new. What is new is the prolonged mistrust. I have suffered in the past because of Z and this person Y, though is as different from Z as can be, I do not trust him/her. I project my fears or illusions, and hallucinations. Empathy is non existent. Perpetual frowns are the in thing. Trends like "I will love you till the day you love me, not a single day more" are well established(yes I call this a trend).

Where are we headed? Climate change is happening faster than previously predicted. Human trafficking, kidnappings, murders, organised genocide, infanticide, AIDS permeate every social strata. Nothing is black or white these days. Everything is painted grey. I shudder to imagine where or how I will be 2 years down the line, why even bother thinking about 10 years. I am missing out on love. I am missing out on who or what matters to me, I am missing out on what I could have been had I seen even one of those 10 thoughts to its correct conclusion. I am missing out on life but I don't give a damn just because the mass I am running the race with doesn't.

To Hell with everything!

By the Way India elected to field in today's match against Sri Lanka. I pray we win.

I Quit(just this one time)

I think I should give thinking and writing a rest. I have been posting whatever comes to my overworked head. This space deserves a break from the junk I have been feeding it since October last year. As it is people believe we females are not well equiped to use our brains. I think i should not be pushing the limits of established conventions even though I am certain they are wrong to the extent I have correctly spelt the word 'wrong'! For once I call it quits. Not for their sake, but my own. I will be back soon.

Was it You?

Was it you
Who walked with me?
I was as if in a daze
My stupor was so profound
I had almost lost footing

I could feel
My senses though numb
A wisp of succor
The haze was so thick
I had almost lost direction

Night after night
Dreams chased me
As I chased them by daylight
The race was so exhausting
I had almost missed to live

Was it you
Who tucked that stray strand behind my ear?
As I blinked by the starlit lake
The quiet was so silent
I had almost ceased to breathe

Mile after mile
I walked aimless
The abyss was so dismal
I skirted the shores
I had almost lost what lay within

Was it you
Who walked with me?
I have found myself again
Chasms, darkness, spirits dont intimidate me
It is almost like I am alive again.

Chasing Dreams

Fragments cascade
Cringing, she shuts her eyes
Cowers behind a thin veil
Against the conflagration

Whimsical wishes
To be out under the starry skies
All ablaze and iridescent
There's no place to hide

A darting fugitive
A tiny spunky creature
All pity her, no one stops by
I wish I were at her side

My curtained window
Schisms and lace on fire
A beam decays, cannot stand high
At the crackling,she turns

I see her face
Teardrops streaming from her eyes
She doesnt speak, but pleads
Silently in the besieging blaze

I wake up
Jarred from a dream, I open my eyes
It is a peaceful night
Morning is yet distant

Patna - Over the Years

(I picked this photo from the internet, I wish I had the time to go out and click one for myself this time I visited Patna).

Patna is a quaint city( I wouldnt even call it a city, it is that small). It is the capital of a quaint state called Bihar. One of the least progressive states in the coutry. Situated on the river Ganges and one of the oldest inhabited places in the world, I have known it over the years as a place with lots of people and unplanned roads, yet I am proud of it.

The history of Patna starts from around 490BC. It has seen the Lichavis, Maurayans, the Palas, Guptas, Mughals and English to name a few.

I have seen it simmer in the summer months, freeze in the winters and flood during the monsoons. Even today when I visit Patna, I see it exactly as it was 20 years back, with the exception of a few new roads and flyovers. The mornings start early, as a huge percentage of the population is from the lower income groups and they have to struggle to make ends meet. The fact that the administration has been excessively passive and insouciant and blatantly corrupt for long years did not help us much.

People who work hard and turn around their fortunes invariably move away to greener pastures.

There are absolutely no institutions for higher studies(we had some, but with the creation of Jharkhand nothing remains). Schools I must say are very good and it is because they maintain very high standards till the higher secondary level, that a big percentage of Biharis get into the IITs and the Civil Services. Although schools take very good care that science and math skills are sharp and polished, one aspect they prove inept at training students is verbal and written communication. Very few schools have competent teachers to develop students' skills in the languages.

The roads are narrow, traffic unregulated, dust and mosquitoes abound. Vegetable vendors, flour mills, sweet sellers, shops, kirana stores, electricians, doctors, quacks have tiny little places strewn about the town. You wont find many shops selling designer and branded stuff. It is advisable to shop in bigger cities that have newer stores.

There is so much about Patna that does'nt appeal to the aesthetic senses. Yet there is so much that attracts me to it. I will not delve into all the finer strands and sinews that bind me to the place because it will take more than the space of a blog to relive and recount. Yet once you venture out into the streets, look at the setting sun, see the dew drops forming, butterflies flitting, the clear starry skies, the simple people, the tangled locks of children on the streets, the dirt, the birds flying to their nests, the beetles on the leaves, the smell of fire on a winter evening, the smoking asphalt and mirage on a summer afternoon, the huge swelling river, you will for once believe you are in a different world.