Friday, November 09, 2007

Two words



Two words, I saw them in a dream
Wished I could weave a few lines with them
Recollection flickers
They are here one moment, lost another
I wracked my brain all day
Attempting to salvage what is lost
To gather the shards
Brittle and fragile as they were
Broke at the slightest touch
Is my wish so unconceivable?
Two words, are all I asked to call back
Wished I could weave a few lines with them

Sometimes

Can you sometimes hear
When I don't speak a word?
The distance is so great
Moments when helplessness overwhelms me
Did I tell you
I hold back at times
Cannot account for the reason
Maybe I will grow out of it with time

Thursday, November 08, 2007

My Wish


I wish I had wings
Yellow, golden, brown
Azure, veins milling about
Just a pair would do
I wish to fly

I wish the world weren't so huge
Oceans, mountains and plains
Unfathomable, daunting and vast
A tiny nest would do
I wish you by my side

I wish I had wings
Yellow, earthy and azure
Just a pair would do
That way, if not you
I could fly to be at your side

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Another Mile

Roots spread, came to the surface
The earth burst open
Little white flowers shot up

Wary, she walked
Scared lest she tread on them
Snuffed fragile life and
Ill-fated, destined herself for
A night of restless repentance

Walks under the starry skies
Fugitive time, fretful
Melted, flowed and slipped away
Storms bore down steadily
Brace yourself; it's just a mile away

In the shadows, under the bough
Green, magenta carpeted the floor
Sheltered from the tempest, the frenzy
She leaned, to catch her breath back
Steady, it's just a mile away

The evening darkened
Shadows danced, flickered
Fell to the floor and vanished
Truant clouds, light played skittles
Pray, how do I make that mile?

On she walked, delirious
Petrified she stood and watched
Clouds looming up high
Then it relented, the overcast broke
Drizzle, a persistent spell

Spells, charms, magic all broken
The downpour washed away
All that held them tied

Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Other Side

I was happy. Life was all rosy and promising for me until I chanced upon “the other side” of it. Like a half eaten apple, it was ‘cratered’, patched with brown, and all sweetness had faded from it. I wandered around, fumbling for a firm foothold.

I kept walking. Stopping would have been fatal. What with the quicksand texture of the ground I tread...I hopped from one mound to the other, careful lest I fall and hurt myself. I met many a sunset with light slowly ebbing out of my ‘life on the Other Side’. It required tremendous will to keep walking and one day I reached a cross between the other side and the side I had resided in during happy times. I barely managed to crawl over and now I am changed and glad to be back where I belong. The sun sets leaving with a promise of a better day on the morrow.

This was the story of an insect crawling on the half eaten apple on my desk.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Lost in the Clouds

Trek to Mullayangiri and Bababudangiri (Jun 23-24 2007)

Rising clouds, near opaque mists, treacherous trails, steep climb, lashing rains, sprinkle of cascades, a (overpowering) dash of mighty wind and a team of 20 adventurous trekkers! This was the perfect recipe for a trek to the highest peak in Karnataka.

After two meetings and a checklist with detailed instruction on what to carry and how to pack our bags, the Adventura members were looking forward to this thrilling trek. Among us were some seasoned travelers to lead the way. We set out on the night of 22nd June. Our team was in need of a good night's rest for the day ahead. However, we did not manage the rest, lodged as we were between the crevices, stacks of backpacks, sleeping mats and our trekking gear made. It all added to the flavor of the journey.

We reached Sarpa Dhaari by 6 AM on Saturday, sleep deprived yet raring to make the trek. To protect us from the downpour, we put on rain jackets, polythene bags over our socks and caps. Sandwiched between Experienced trekkers we made a move, daring the heights and leeches that lay low, waiting for prey!

Our ranks were peppered by other veteran trekkers who would keep an eye out for beginners and lend a hand, when the going got tough. A colleague, who knows the Chikmagalur district well, was our 'local guide'.

Jokes, encouragement, anecdotes abounded...as we made our way up the mountain. Those who were scared of heights, made it a point not to look down They did not even look ahead! They just followed in the footsteps of the person in front, all the while praying they would be able to live through it.
Easily 'portable' people held on to anything that was within an arm's distance - branches, rocks, and help from fellow travelers, something that wouldn't let the wind carry them away!
Among us were an environmentalist (who was quick to point out any insect or wild flower to us), story tellers, 'beginners', pros. It was a perfect mix.

The team reached the peak (6400 ft) by 10.30 A M, all drenched and shivering. A family at the top (who took care of the temple) gracefully offered us tea and space to stretch our tired legs. We prepared jam/cheese sandwiches, and had savories. It all tasted heavenly! The resident cat had a gala time with the milling visitors. Looking for food, she accidentally bit one of us. A scream followed, and then startled jumps and more anarchy! We spent around an hour at the peak and started our trek towards Bababudangiri. This leg of our trek required that we cross around 5 hills and some ridges. Meanwhile the rain and the violent gusts refused to relent. It was an adventure of sorts. Our leads would go looking for negotiable trails and we would follow, slow but steady and brave.

We reached a point where we could see the road below. The first instinct was - 'We've had enough, let’s get to something that looks more human, and less frightening. If there is a road, humans have definitely been there and the path would be hospitable!’ It felt comforting to sight something familiar. But we got the better of that urge and kept walking.

A little patch of sunshine far away, clouds rising as if from a great fire somewhere in the valley, rolling hillocks that disappeared in the mist at the horizon, and a platform to span and admire the view dreams are made of. We had some savories and ‘thepla’ at this stop. It was around 2.30 in the afternoon. I may not be very accurate with time, because I had lost count of pretty much everything including the cramps in my legs and the weight of the soggy backpack, or the scratches and bruises. It was quite true for everybody; the numbness had made us comfortable. All this added to the thrill of the adventure and we enthusiastically clicked pictures the moment clouds gave way to a few beams of sunshine.

At this point the team split into two. Some were too tired to continue on the treacherous route to Bababudangiri where we had initially planned to stay. They took a bus to the destination while twelve of us moved on.
The trek was mostly on steep ridges with the wind screaming in our ears. Looking down we could feel how small we were against the forces we were battling, and had we missed a single step, we would have been thrown off the ridge into the valley.
One of us very rightly commented "There was no room for error". Despite the threat we passed the camera around, posing for pictures with stunts precariously perched on the rocks. We went on, bracing the wind, leaning on jutting rocks, crawling through crevices. It was 4 by the time we reached a spot where one of us unfortunately got hurt. The evening was approaching fast; we were exposed on all sides, with no shelter. It would be dark soon and we had quite a few ridges to cross before we reached Bababudangiri. We sat down to decide whether we should move forward on a trail we did not know yet, or go back before it gets dark and we get stranded on the ridge. We decided on the latter course which was wise. After a futile attempt at calling a few emergency numbers, seven of the twelve went ahead to look for alternate shorter routes to the road below. We started on the trek backwards.

By 6.30PM we were back where we started for the 2nd peak and weren't we relieved to be on safe ground surrounded by a concrete structure with walls. Our bus came and took us to Bababudangiri, among very worried friends, who had reached before us. After a round of tea and warm smoldering coals near our feet, we set out for Chikmagalur. We made a trip to the hospital and then searched for a place to stay. We warmed our ready to eat dinner which vanished the moment it was deposited in the temporary serving dish. It was a luxury to be in rooms away from the rain and the wind, having warm dinner and chocolates over good friendly chat.

We slept like logs despite the nightmares of towering rocks, and falling off the hills.

The next morning greeted us with a promise of better weather. Gathering to chat over hot tea and savories, we discussed the passing of the previous day. The newspaper revealed what fate we had escaped while on our trek. We came to know later that the wind speed had been around 150kms/hr. And our 'guide' colleague very kindly withheld some information from us until we returned safely to Bangalore. It was to the effect:

1) 6 inches of rain...
2) 40 trees fell down in his uncle's estate alone
3) All schools closed down in Coorg.
4) 5 people died in Hassan and Chikmagalur due to rains.

We then visited Bellur where we read statues in the Keshava temple built by the Hoysala dynasty. Every sculpture had a story behind it. It was fascinating to hear tales behind the numerous little gods, goddesses, their incarnations, dancing girls, animals and birds from our guide who was pretty good at his job with funny folklores by the score.

After lunch we went to Saravanabellagolla and climbed the 600 odd steps to the hill top. We went to the serene temple of Bahubali. It is a monolithic statue and the calm of the place worked well on our tired nerves and put some life back into us. After a stint at amateur rock climbing (missed all the footholds, bruised my knees), helped by one of the sure-footed guys in our team, I finally conquered a rock that was not more than 2.5 meters in height!

Candies, drizzle, inviting wind and coconut water marked the last leg of our journey and we got back into the bus towards Bangalore.

The star attractions of the trip:
1. No stray remark was left uncommented in the funniest way one can imagine.
2. It was great to be a part of a jolly pack of trekkers, who sang, and joked after two tiring days filled with excitement.
3. Sardar jokes and silly songs never left us with a dull moment.
4. We came away without being food for leeches.

We were back in Bangalore by 11 in the night for a day at work on the morrow. Sorry that the trip was over, and looking forward to making another trek, another adventure, another day very soon.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Slow Learner

A slow learner - yeah that's me. But once I learn a lesson its learnt for life. Give me a math problem to work out, teach me the principles of physics or a chemical reaction, or ask me to write a bit of a computer code, ask me the capital of Zanzibar, or ask me to trust anyone, I can do it pretty quick, but ask me to remove my (Virtual)-glasses and see what disaster is staring me in the face, I would take forever to back off.

Things can never be bad...People are just so good and nice and kind and well mannered, and stand by what they ( pretend to ) say. Anyways, they can't be blamed. Different people are different(very different - so different you sometimes wish you wouldn't have met a particular variety). By the time you think you have understood a particular species, they present to your venerable self a personality trait, you never would have imagined existed on this planet!!! Now who's fault is that? Of course yours! You should have been more perceptive, more judgmental, should have opened your eyes a bit wider, learnt to be shrewd and jealous and bad and. You just had to pay more attention in your geography and biology lessons. Surely that trait would have existed somewhere.

All your fault!

And there you were trying to be a martyr for a social cause! You were close to being knighted and earning a medal posthumous! The cause turned out to be just so 'not a cause'. Its funny. I can still picture you waging a war, sword weighing down the pretty little fist and the mare you mounted going pretty insane! And waging a war against your own clan to defend a cause that was not actually a cause! And then your clan being won over. I just can't figure out, what devilry or angelic enchantments were employed to lead the poor soldiers on.

Anyways...my stories never will end. What I meant to do here is pen down a few more lessons from my treacherous life:
1. Don't ever, never ever go where you are not wanted!
2. Don't be a fool.
3. Dont trust anyone. Anyone means absolutely ANYONE.
4. Dont trust especially those, whom you grow to trust more than yourself. They turn out to be the unworthy of your trust than you can spell trust.

5. Everyone has a story(I was accused repeatedly of having a story, so much so, that I stopped reacting, which somehow led people to believe I actually had a story and they used it to their means - Glad, my humble self was of service to someone). Now I am proud to say, I have one nice little story of my own and I wish I had written it in pencil(I have quite a few spare erasors, that I haven't used since I fininished school)

Monday, April 23, 2007

Survival Tales

S: Wanted to congratulate you once again.
H: Thanks. So how are things coming along? Picking things up quickly?
S: Yes.
H: Did you go through the graphs?
S: Yes. I did this morning while I was doing the dml's. I also went through the UTP.
H (nods and smiles): I'm sure you wont let the team down.
S: I wont.
H: In a day or two you will have lots of work coming your way. You can take help from L and K anytime.
S: Hmm...and good luck...bye
(2 days into the new assignment and looking forward to being a firefighter!)

Friday, April 20, 2007

Holiday!

Holiday at Last! My leave has been approved(thanks to my project manager) and am I happy? :-) Going out of town next weekend and this is what I will do -



I will attempt getting up early once again and go bird watching at dawn. Should be fun. Can't wait to get away :-) 7 days to go!


Thanksgiving

Overheard a bit of a conversation. Did not pay much attention to remember the details but, the gist is that there is a person who has a disability since childhood and my colleague was trying to comfort the person over the phone.
It made me remember the lessons taught at school. They drilled it into us to say a prayer each night and thank God for making you whole and also say a prayer for those who weren’t blessed in the way we are.
What I believe is everyone is blessed in a way. People would say, "Its easy for you to say this…ask a blind girl how it feels not to be able to see the colors in life, ask a deaf man what he would not give up to be able to hear again, ask a person who has lost someone dear, what he won’t do to have them back in their lives?"

All these questions make me feel very small. I have tried to close my eyes and walk a few yards, and the darkness was so profound, I felt lost.

There are social initiatives for people who are challenged.
There are other initiatives that help kids study in areas that are economically unsound. It is always an honor to be a part of such efforts. Its not very difficult, and believe me it does not prove as a drain on your social life.

There is a movie by the name "A walk to remember". I first watched it some 3-4 years back and I have watched it over and over again, just to keep me awake and human, lest I become too complacent with what life has given me or too embittered by whatever it has stolen from me.

Walking in the rains (it has been pouring here for the past three evenigs) I have been thinking and taking stock. I remembered the time I had been in the himalayas rafting and went for a cliff jump. It is just like a trust fall sans the interlocked hands to catch you when you fall. It is just volumes of deep, dark water meandering through the mountains. It is scary. That was another time I said a desperate prayer and closed my eyes before I jumped. Then I let go. I heard the temple bells ring somewhere, came back to the present, took off my shoes and walked in. It is a quaint little place that I manage to find only during my evening walks. I don’t even know how it looks by daylight. I like to sit down and hear the bells ring and see the people kneel down and ask for their wishes to be granted, some just ask 'to be happy not only today but for years to come, always'.
I like that temple for another reason as well. They distribute ‘Prasad’ (offerings made to the deity) after the evening worship in little bowls made out of dried leaves. After a day at work, it tastes ethereal.

The bigger picture always will be elusive. We can only wonder at the scheme of life. The key lies in balance and not losig direction, standing up and walking ahead.
Disorientation, only makes things worse. Remember, you are not alone. Had you been on your own with no responsibilities, everything could have been different, bad and reckless in a way. Keeping your head on your shoulders is what is most important, and even more important is holding it high.

School was a place I will always miss. The games, the friends, the teachers, classes, the librabry, labs, the canteen, the fun, the resolutions,and the values will remain forever.

I can hear the bells again. This time very distant. And I say a little prayer. I ask for happiness, not only for me, but for all whom I love, not just today but for years to come, always.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Kite Runner




"For you a thousand times over!"

We won! We won! was all I could say.

"I know", he said. "Inshallah, we'll celebrate later. Right now I am going to run that blue kite for you", he said.
"Hassan!" I called. "Come back with it!"

"For you a thousand times over!" he said.

I got a chance to read this book quite late. Maybe because I never had set my heart on it. Now that I have read it, I feel, a few words over it are necessary, especially because this book has made it to my list of favourites. There's something about this book that stays, lingers on, haunts. Its like living amidst Amir, Hassan and the streets of Kabul. Its like weaving in and out of a dream, with big poplar trees, shady alleyways, warm sunlight over the hills on a winter afternoon and knee deep snow. It echoes. It is set against the backdrop of the life and times of the country itself. Another line that hits me hard is, "there are a lot of children in Afghanistan but little childhood."
It is the story of 2 little boys in Afghanistan who grow up together. One was the master and the other his playmate, ready to sacrifice everything for his friend. It is the story of the varied faces of human nature...It seamlessly dwells on the realms of honour, love, betrayal, fear, struggle, remorse, redemption and passion.
I have just put it down, but feel like reading it all over again.

A very honest book and I love it.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

मन स्थिर कहॉ

कुछ सोच कर लिखने बैठे थे
स्मरण क्षीण पड़ जाता है
कितना ही सरल है मनुष्य
कभी किसी बात पे खुश
कभी किसी बात से परेशां
कुछ सोच कर लिखने बैठे थे
अब याद नहीं, मन स्थिर कहॉ
एकाकी एकटक नीले नभ को
तारों को, देखकर कुछ गढ़ा था
कविता लिखी थी शायद
तन्मयता के उस क्षण, कुछ सोचा
अब याद नहीं, मन स्थिर कहॉ
मिट्टी की सड़क पे, आहट रहित
दबे पैर, धुआं उड़ते देख
पैरों तले कि सुनहरी धूल देख
एक छन्द रचा था,
अब याद नहीं, मन स्थिर कहॉ
हाथ में कलम पकड़े,
कागज़ को मेज़ पर रख
उसके कोरेपन में विलीन हो
कुछ संवाद बुने थे
अब याद नहीं, मन स्थिर कहॉ

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Finally :-)


What I intend to do here is remind myself to preorder a copy for myself and anyone else who may be interested to get their copy soon. The book's releasing on 21st of July.
http://books.rediff.com/offers/harrypotter-books.htm

Sorry for the pixelated quality of the image above. It took me 15 long minutes to reconstruct this from the rediff bookstore page. Apparently these people had 3 pictures to form this one image. I had to juggle them up(thanks to photoshop) to get a single file.

Yippie! A Long Weekend Away


I was in two minds about the holiday on May 1st. I could have taken a day off on the 30th of April and gone home or visited other relations nearby. I had been hunting for online low fare tickets for quite sometime, but never could decide on the place to visit. And I had given up the whole idea until yesterday. Finally I have decided on the place and I have the tickets in my pocket, and have applied for a day off from work! Hopefully it will get approved :-)
I am looking forward to reading lots of asterix comic books(over again) and I have to catch up with a few movies(Flushed Away, Meet the Robinsons) and do a lot of shopping and talk lots as well :-)
Looking Forward to the small break. Should be fun.

Nothing Better to Do

Have been in and out of sleep all morning. Another weekend and a lazy one at that. I have only a few things to do later in the day. Since I had nothing better to do in the morning, here I am :-)
There was a storm and heavy rains till late yesterday night. The gods in the Bangalore skies seems to have relented a bit. Thanks to them, the weather has turned really pleasant.

7 Steps to a new You ( msn)
Step 1: Make sure you're ready for change
Step 2: Set Goals
Step 3: Track Yourself
Step 4: Eat Mindfully
Step 5: Commit to Move More
Step 6: Get Support
Step 7: Plan for Life


Updates from Mars(msn news)
Friday,April 13th

There's fresh imagery this week from NASA's robotic emissaries at Mars, including video of dust devils spinning through the Spirit rover's field of view and pictures of a scary-looking route down to the floor of the crater that the Opportunity rover is investigating. This comes in addition to the latest view of the Face on Mars, provided by the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.

Friday, April 13, 2007

To Infinity and Beyond


"Princess, there's one thing I've learnt on my many adventures - you never win if you're busy counting the reasons you'll lose."

Picked this from the buzz lightyear comic book.


I love this character, he's so gutsy and funny at the same time!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Rains! :-)

First rain in the city since I moved here and I love it.
I can smell the rain on my terrace as I write all this hurriedly. I must go back and enjoy it while it lasts.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

A Weekend to Remember

Saturday was a day I love. I had written a detailed post on it, but removed it and thought it a better idea to write a single post encompassing both Saturday and Sunday.For the first time since 15th of February(the day I reached the fabled city of Bangalore), we(my group of friends which has 4 P's, one K and me a J) decided we would get together at my place and cook lunch, and watch a movie and catch up with current and old times. Everything was perfect in its imperfection. What with the rice being less than required? What with me snapping at P1 when he was teasing me over the phone? No one actually minds. P2 was missing. She had more pressing commitments, and I forgive her;-) although she should have been with us! We cannot claw back what or who has moved on, however much we may wish. I must not forget to mention another P and a T who unfortunately do not live in Bangalore and are very much happy in their new lives. They surely are missed by me. Back to the party(wasn't actually a party). It is strange, we haven't changed much since college. We still quarrel, we still play games like 'Killer Detective'. We still tease each other over whatever is going on in our lives. We still make fun of movies, however glum they may be! We still live each day as it comes. We have a life devoid of complexities. We can speak absolutely anything and be assured the second person will not judge. They would tell me upfront..."Look J I did not like what you just spoke" ! And the trouble gets sorted instantaneously.That was Saturday.

Sunday was another story. I decided to go on a road trip with 3 friends to Coorg. It is a beautiful place in the hills away from Bangalore.I have been on lots of road trips in the past but they were different, because invariably someone more responsible (like my big brothers or dad, or school teachers, or college professors) would be in command. An unplanned trip! This sounded more adventurous. I was apprehensive, but hoped for the best. We started the day with tea and cakes at a wayside CCD. We stopped to take a few pictures with the Mysore Palace in the background. Asking our way at petrol stations, we finally reached Coorg around 12.30 in the afternoon. It was hot and sunny, but the place we had lunch was good and we set out again. The Abbey falls is a small waterfall hidden in the forest around 8 kilometers from Madikeri. By the time we reached Raja Seat, the sun had relented and it was windy and pleasant. The soft mist in the hills was enchanting. I just sat solitary on a bench, watching the waves the hills made on the horizon, and listening to the wind whistling by. We then had ice creams. On our way back we stopped over at another CCD on the highway for the evening tea. Then we drove back to the city. After dropping my friends at their places, I finally reached mine, tired.It was a long weekend, but each day was so different and complete or incomplete in its own right. Saturday made me happy. Sunday was good but tiring. It was a learning experience. The following is what I learnt from the trip:
1. Unplanned day trips are fun, but the distance of the destination should be considered.
2. Don't quarrel over who is to drive.
3. Keep shut until you are required to speak when you don't know all the people you are travelling with.
4. Listen when sensible people tell you to plan things better.
5. Don't crib when people tell on you. It was your doing in the first place.
6. Don't consider yourself very lucky if you escaped admonitions for being rash just because your associations are too gentle and kind to scold!
7. Think before you run away on another unplanned trip.
8. Grow up.

Despite the realisation, insanity prevails!It really was a weekend to remember.

Monday, April 02, 2007

What I have learnt so Far

1. Time never turns back.
2. I am what I am, I cannot pretend to be someone I am not.

3. I believe what I believe. I am ready to change if what I believe is wrong. If what I believe is wrong, prove it.
4. In real life, there are just two shades - black and white. There is nothing in between, however much we try and paint things differently.
5. When I am happy, I am not overwhelmed. When I am sad I am not overwhelmed.
6. What could have been done differently should have been done differently in the first place. You cannot undo what's done, and there's no point languishing over it. Better do what you will in a way it should be done and re-build.
7. Speaking with friends really helps.
8. Respect people who are older and wiser than you.
9. Be very honest.
10. Hiding behind books and blogs is a respite, suited only for early mornings and nights on weekdays. Better go to the theatre to watch a nice movie and have dinner at a good restaurant over the weekends.
11. Driving with sane music is good for the nerves. Don't overdo it, you wouldn't want to contribute to global warming.
12. In the evenings, driving with the car AC turned off and windows rolled down is "very" good for the nerves.
13. Going to a friend's place when you anticipate a nightmare is better than watching "Chicken Little" over and over again.
14. Most Disney movies are good and can be watched more than 4 times.
15. When everything is a mess, just chuck it out of the window and go out for a stroll.
16. When you don't want to do something just be brave and admit you don't want to do it.
17. When you can't do something, be humble and brave and admit you can't do it.
18. When you can do something and yet don't do it, you are wasting your as well as others' time. Just admit you are lazy and let someone more capable get the work done.
19. When you listen to someone, don't listen just for the heck of it. Empathise.
20. Be reasonable. The second person is also a human and trying real hard.
21. If you can neither empathise, nor be reasonable, don't expect the same next time you stand the test.
22. Respect people for what they have achieved. They worked hard for it.
23. When you don't want to cook keep instant noodle handy. They fill you up pretty well.
24. When you have finished your stock of noodles, buy a bigger stock. They don't hurt you.
25. Different people are different, there's no reason they should be expected to behave in a manner similar to yours.
26. You should be tolerant and patient towards those who behave differently than you do.
27. What is unethical is nothing but unethical. You must not put up with it.
28. When you sit over your electricity bill until the due date, you cannot pray for their office to be open on a Sunday. You will have to wait till Monday to pay it.
29. Don't let someone else's indifference hurt you. You can do better than that for yourself. Even if you are hurt don't show it, they will hurt you more.
30. Don't waste tears over people who don't realise their worth. Never attempt it to their face. Do it when alone. It cleanses your eyes.
31. Try not to cry when you have a cold. If you do, keep tissues handy.
32. If there are three roads and two sets of people expect you to move with them, their way, just dig your heels down and turn the third way. You will reach where you want to go, without getting lost, even if you walk alone.
33. When you want to eat a muffin or a chocolate insist on having it. Don't always expect people you went to have coffee with, to appreciate your idea and wait for their approval.
34. What has to happen will happen, don't tear out whatever little hair is left on your scalp in frustration.
35. When you wake up suddenly at night, turn on the lights and write something, or watch Tom and Jerry.
36. Don't change until you are convinced you are changing for the better. When you are convinced, don't be lazy.
37. When you know you are right and just, don't care for what people say. When you are wrong and unjust, just move back to the right track.
38. Don't ever hold a grudge. Forget. It makes you happy.
39. Education is very important and adds to your self worth.
40. Money is not everything in life, actually it is nothing. It leaves behind a bitter taste.
41. Never get too busy for the people who really matter.
42. Dance till you are too tired to stand. It really helps.
43. It is OK if you forget to brush your teeth twice once in a while.
44. Don't ever forget to switch off the lights and never waste water. Dont be selfish. People after us will need them as much as we do.
44. Don't hurt anyone.
45. Don't give up on someone, just because people tell you too. Hold on yet give them space.
46. Don't give up on love for anything in the world. It is what helps to re-build what's lost.
47. If you have something to tell me, I will listen without any biases.
48. Don't listen to people who try to push you back.
49. Don't lose your temper if two people push their way into the queue before you. Lose your temper when 3 do. Yet tell them politely that they should wait their turn.
50. Don't go where you feel you are not wanted. Don't waste your life.
51. Don't let people trample over you.
52. You don't have to live in a grand palace to be somebody.
53. Let go.
54. Don't keep putting off what should be said and done. You don't want to be late beyond help. Life is short and time is running out.



Saturday, March 31, 2007

I'm Happy

Friday, 30th March 2006

Yet another day in my life and a great one at that.
I am grateful for this day and hope tomorrow is just as good if not better.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

4 AM

I had to attend an all day session today but forgot to attend the first half! Made it to the Open House after lunch and the last session. I will have to go through the ordeal of attending the missed half very soon. I do not like the idea.
Spent an hour washing the car in the evening.
Its 4 AM and I have nothing better to do, but fill in this blog space with more meaningless words.
Summer is already here and I am not very fond of it. I used to love it in school because we would get 2 months worth of holidays. Now is different.
I'll go read something.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Does Time ever turn back?

Where does this road lead? She had not wondered until she reached the bend. She never felt the necessity to wonder.

Every path she had tread until a few years back had been well laid out for her. All rocks carefully removed and all grains and pebbles strained away lest they hurt her. She was so used to prancing barefoot on these harmless trails, so accustomed to being picked up even if she faltered a step, so much entwined within the fabric of her home, so very dependent on the people she had known for years for every little word of encouragement and affection that she took them for granted. She never once thought before she made a phone call at 3 in the morning to cry a little into sympathetic ears before an exam she was scared of, or when she felt homesick among the multitude of kids around or when she broke a photo frame or when she dashed a bottle of perfume or to rejoice for a game she had won, or when she couldn't sleep over a bad dream. Now she hesitates.

People grow apart. Not necessarily out of diminishing attachments, neither out of force of habit, but because of expanding circles of life and ever growing responsibilities. She thinks before she makes a phone call now and henceforth always will.

I wish time would turn back. She has closed her eyes in an attempt to shield herself on the roads she has been walking solitary for the past some time. She walks mechanically. Sometimes, looking over her shoulders hoping someone will come to her just like they always did, if she missed a step, when she would play in the yard, blindfolded. They do not. Turning back, she can see all eyes on her, just like the first day she stood up and took a step unaided. They applauded then. Today, they just watch, silent, and apprehensive. Why don't they tell her what to do? Why don't they tell her what's been bothering them as they used to? Why won't they walk with her? She is so used to them. She looks away to wipe the wet on her cheeks and walks on wondering. Why do they pretend to have become so indifferent? Don't they worry anymore? Why don't they talk to her anymore like they used to? Why won't they come to play with her in the evenings? Why won't they hide their chocolates only to let her steal them later? Why won't they quarrel with her over a comic book? Why won't they even incite her to hit them with her fisted hands, and laugh at her attempts? Why will they just smile a worried little smile when she speaks incessantly and incoherently as is her wont? Why won't they show her how to paint a door? Why won't they put up streamers and balloons on her birthday? Why won't they read a book to her in the afternoons? Why won't they fly a kite with her anymore and take her to their cricket grounds as an umpire? Why aren't they there to carry her down when she climbs up a flower tree to hide? Why won't they comb her hair and tidy her when she comes home dirty, from wallowing in mud ponds in the village? Why won't they hide her behind the sofa when their mother loses patience over the nth broken tea cup? Why don't they put her on their bicycle and take her around town anymore? Why won't they make fun of her when she fools around in their oversized shoes?

Will Time never turn back?
The pain is overwhelming.
She lets the road lead her wherever it will.
Walk she will!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Dancing all Night



Dew still lingered
It dribbled softly
Into puddles at the feet
Of the shrubs

My feet hurt
From the exhaustion
From the drill
From the ecstacy, the flight
From dancing all night

The sky melted
Raindrops pattered
Into the puddles
Mingled with the dew
Strains flowed, anew

I just couldn't stop
This was one game
I never tired at
I jigged, I waltzed
I danced all night

Morning yet distant
All was dark
I struck a match
Stood lone
My dancing shoes still on

A stray drop rolled down
Memories rushed by
I blew out the light
I must not forget all
Just 'coz I danced all night

Leaves sparkled
Dew dribbled softly
Washed by raindrops
Into the puddles at the feet
of the shrubs


Morning lit
Birds awoke, stirred
I lay by the window
Couldn't get up, how I tried
Probably I was tired, from dancing all night

Back of Beyond


Moonbeams filtered through the chintz curtains
She sat looking at the dark green beyond
It was only yesterday, they had sat there
Music streamed into the night one after another score
They had waltzed shoeless
Till their feet were blistered and sore

Faint tapers had glowed by the brown walls
Wax trickled and the the candles waned
Dribbled on the wooden floor
They had not heard when the wind rustled in the trees
They had ceased to hear, to breathe
Till they were woken by the prying breeze

The dawn lit the yellow earth on the streets
Soft dirt winged as silent footsteps fell
The candles had burnt into their sockets
White lilies, and bluebells glistened by the golden pond
She smiled, and realised, it had been just her
She alone, travelling to the back of beyond

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Mahashweta

I read the review on my friend's blog ( http://wishes-and-world.blogspot.com/2007/03/mahashweta-book-review.html ) and had been interested in reading the book 'Mahashweta' by Sudha Murty ever since. I read it today and am glad I did. It defines relations in such a different light. Strength and belief are all one has to fall back on.

In the world I live in, I had almost forgotten cruelty and segregation of the sort still exit. Apparently they do and on a big scale, however much I shut my eyes and keep the real world out. I will not dwell on the content of the book. Although it is a small book and not more than one or two hour's worth, I would never be able to do justice to the depth it has. I am still in a trance. It sure has volumes to speak.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Riding the Waves

A storm brew in the distance
Silent waves yet cradled the boat
I knew it wasn't far
They would be dashed to the rocks
The tide kept rising
Submerged the shore
Riding the Waves,they prayed
Deftly they steered the boat
But the storm bore down
Gasping, they resurfaced
I knew it wasn't far
They would never make it ashore.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Its 19th


Its the 19th of March 2007 and I feel just as I felt on the 18th! There are so many things happening around. It doesn't really help when I am not able to talk to people, that really matter to me, however much I pretend they don't. Its worse to wait before washing clothes that have been soaked in detergent. Clothes that the previous week's usage has rendered unusable for the next.

I have to watch India's match against Bermuda with my friends tonight, but I lost all zeal for it following the unfortunate incident of Bob woolmer's death.

Why don't we realise that life is short and there is nothing in life more important than just being there. No amount of riches, no glitter, no conquests, its just being alive that counts.

I could walk to the end of the world
No, let me do it, it doesn't matter
What's another mile?
In truth, I want to walk
If its only to see you smile.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

First Game Fizzles out!


I had 'Great Expectations' from the first match India was going to play in the World Cup. I specially packed my toothbrush, comb and some buiscuits to go over to my friends place to watch the match. We kept our fingers crossed, but all hopes of a victory were dashed when India lost to Bangladesh by 5 wickets. It was depressing the way we batted. Even the ones who managed above 50 runs, did so at the expense of time and overs lost. It was a disaster from the start. I wont venture to post the scorecard (psst..its embarrassing!)
To reduce our gloom we switched channels and watched the Ireland Vs Pakistan match. Pakistan had worse fate than ours. They lost with a score of 132!
There are slim chances of us going to the Super 8. Sri Lanka are a tough team, and they've already won their first One Day against Bermuda. We will win against Bermuda but Sri Lanka will be a more skilled opponent. Still Sri Lanka are our only hope, since my faith in the Indian team has suffered considerably after the night out of yesterday. May we win against them.

Come 19th and I will pack my toothbrush once more and head towards my friends place.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The Craziness of it All

A needle poking from my mattress? My mother always told me not to do any sewing on the bed. Had I listened to her I would not have to get up and feel the entire length and breadth of the stupid mattress at 3.30 in the night. Probably a fibre of whatever it is made of! It sure is annoying.

Anyhow it is not very cheering to get up at 3.00 when you finally somehow cajoled yourself to sleep at 2.30. And then lie awake after some silly nightmare. I knew the day would be bad from the start. For one I came back by the 3.15 bus in the afternoon. I should have stayed on, gone for tea with friends in the evening, but who listens to reason. I have to do what I will. I flipped on the lights, tried watching 'Chicken Little' to soothe my nerves a bit(I love to see him fly off on the soda bottle!), wrote a stray text message, got a glass of water, ate a few cookies and some chocolate, but to no avail. What is scarier than the nightmare is the dread, looking at the watch produces. Its 5.00 AM and work in 3 hours time(though not too much to keep me busy through the day). The very thought vapourises whatever little inclination to go back to sleep might have remained.

The craziness of it all! I will not leave work until the hands on my watch show 6.15 in the evening. Work or no work, I will stay put until I can come home with not more than 4 hours at my disposal. Surf the net, fix dinner, talk to friends, surf the net, write a little, read a bit, and be off to sleep.

Lost

It was right here
I had been looking fot it
For a while
I lost it again
I am not searching anymore
I am sure to lose it
If ever it comes back to me
Let it stay Lost

Monday, March 12, 2007

Of chocolates and More


Met a friend after 6 years. I got my long overdue treat of chocolates(though it was bigger than a treat owing to the time elapsed and the interest accrued). I have a big box of Ferrero Rocher, 2 Lindts, a Toblerone and a Temptations at my disposal :-) I just adore them in this pic. I could look at them for hours!
It was good to talk of old times.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

One Day very Soon

Have I told you lately, what it means for me to be in love?
As far as I can recall, I think I never told you. I had never thought about it. I am a bit of a dreamer. But I never pictured what it is to be in love. i think I was too much into it, living and breathing it that I never envisaged it.


"Will you lift the blinds, and let the light in? I love to see the sunshine on those white flowers.
I would have done it myself like all these years past, but I feel a little strained and it is tad too big an effort for me get out of bed and put on my slippers."

"Will you water the plants, before you leave for work? No...don't worry about my breakfast. I will lay like this for a while, then I shall get up and fix something to eat if you will leave the bread and butter on that table by the window. I never even said sorry, I don't prepare your breakfast and meals any more."

I should be fine soon. I know it. I don't care what people say. I will get up with the first rays, one day very soon.

"Here, let me tidy your cuffs. You never notice the fabric overlap. I've reminded you every day, these past 8 years! Now don't just stand there grinning! Lean over a little, I cannot reach up to where you stand."

I can see the days crawl by. It is an effort to be able to breathe. But I should be fine soon. Don't you worry. I will be at the breakfast table and at the door in the evenings one day very soon.

"Wait, you forgot the paper. Would you like to take it with you?"

I can see the sadness in your eyes. I know you would rather not be here and not see all this. I can see you pretend to be happy and calm, though I can see storms brew often and clouds darken. They subside. An effort you make, that costs me more breaths, more life. Can you sit down beside me and for once let me know, what it is for you to see me fading away each day? But I wont witness these clouds for long. I should be fine soon. I will stand by you in the rains, and look down from the mountain tops just like we used to, one day very soon.

"Will you put me in that chair by the window before you leave? I know how much I pester you. But you know how I like to doze off in the sun, with my book."

Actually I am tired of sitting by that window, watching the sky burn, then slowly blush with a ruddy glow, and then darken. Until you come back and my world lights up again. I should be fine soon. I don't care what people say. I will walk with you in the evenings, and cook your dinner. I will iron your clothes for morning as well. Don't you worry. We will be as we were, one day very soon.

Scarlett - 2


"The old ladder is under my quilts, Momma. Grainne told me to save it"
From cold war to Irish insurgence and unrest. Horse races, Dublin, River Liffey, Georgia, Charleston. This book never tires me. I can read it while I am walking, while I am talking, or on a bus to work and even when I am half asleep, and still remember everything as though I had been watching a movie.
Scarlett has surely changed and matured into a real person. Although she had to face greater hardships and bleak times in Gone With the Wind, she did not learn humility once she was victorious. She was trying hard to be someone she was not. And she lost Rhett eventually.
I am done with reading the book and surely regret my premature review - 1.
I have never seen a more determined person. She builds a lost town almost single handedly, raises her daughter, never once looking for help. She never gives in to the insufferable agony, and rejection that she has had to face all her life with her people. It is only when she is in Ireland on the lands of the O'Hara's that she discovers herself. Rhett hasn't changed much. He is the same infuriating, loving character he's always been.

I am glad I read the book. It has definitely changed my opinion about Scarlett 'O Hara. I simply love it when Rhett and Scarlett are back together. She belongs with him and it should have been like that all along. Their little girl Cat(Katie O'Hara) is another character I will remember for a long time.

I'll take you home again, Kathleen
Across the ocean wild and wide
To where your heart has ever been
Since first you were my bonny bride.
The roses all have left your cheek.
I've watched them fade away and die.
Your voice is sad when e'er you speak
And tears be-dim your loving eyes.
And I wll take you back, Kathleen
To where your heart will feel no pain.
And when the hills are fresh and green
I will take you home, Kathleen

For all Gone With the Wind fans, this book is a must read.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Paper Boats

Fathomless and unbounded
The ravine filled in August
It had rained incessantly for weeks
The mud baked walls had mellowed
How I wished I could hold them close
And prevent them from disintegrating

Evenings stole on me,
Games of a different sort.
Morn...Smoke curtained trees, flowed
Embers from the night's fire
Unsatiated, still glowed

Strangers and kin
A collusion, oblivion
I journeyed to the yore
I have a faint remembrance
Is this how it were before?

Long years have gone by
I cannot look back
Shallow puddles, paper boats
Take them asunder
I am challenged by daunting moats

Fathomless and unbounded
The ravine filled in August
It had poured, night after night
Water streaked walls crumbled
Paper boats, soggy and wet
How I wish I hold them afloat.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Garden City - Parched Throats

The Hindu prints " Not all citizens have access to safe drinking water in Bangalore. Yet the BBMP uses more than 160 lakh litres of borewell water for its parks, medians and junctions everyday"!
Appalling.
Reason - Treated water likely to cost more.

I consumed tap water in my kitchen for 2 days and was down with stomach infection and fever. This forced me to look for bottled water. Most of the people do likewise.

The treatment plants are not located close enough to the parks. They have fancy plans to build new plants, start rainwater harvesting etc. I pray it is accomplished before any further damage. On second thoughts, does it really matter? I can survive on bottled water. Should I be worrying about the thousands I see on the streets and in the slums?
I can afford to move around the town and appreciate the green gardens and well maintained traffic junctions. Do they earn enough to spend Rs 50 on a 20 litres bottle of water?

I would rather like to watch Disney's Tarzan and Jane than worry myself silly over all this.

Scarlett

Years back I had read the book "Gone with the Wind". It is a big book and very interesting. Revolves around Scarlett O'Hara, Rhett Butler, Ashley, Melly and a host of others. War, misfortunes, struggles to keep her home Tara alive and losses.
Now I am reading its sequel Scarlett. The book is not very different from the previous. Another set of losses and mishappenings. What keeps me going is the one statement I love about these two books..." I will not think of it now, I will think of it later ".

She is a strong woman. The only good attribute to her. A little crazy and shrewd at times. I do not like her much, nobody does. Some people even pity her. That makes me relent and let her be.

The author Alexandra Ripley writes in a fashion a little different from Margaret mitchell's and sometimes overdoes my favourite line. She has succeeded in doing 'part justice' to the sequel. Anyways sequels never are a match to what the first books are. Good attempt.

The Fabled Lake

I touched the surface with my toes
I did not see a ripple
It was glass and stiff
The fabled lake.
I drew my shawl around me
I did not see a warm ray
All beams dropped on it
And disappeared.
I tried to dip a finger
It was cold and grey
I did not feel at home
Formidable and proud, it shone.
Scared, I called out their names
Desperate, I tugged at the binds
They wouldn't take me back
Left where I was, tired
I sat down by the fabled lake.

Home Alone

"I understand English and Hindi".
"No Eenglish...vonly Kannada"!

"Coconut with 'Malai'"
I get a coconut with water only. On being queried, he explains something in Kannada with a smile on his face, obviously oblivious of what I had asked for.

I left the terrace door ajar last Thursday morning as per the instructions of my landlady. When I came back from work in the evening she was waiting for me at her door steps. In a very difficult mixture of Tamil, English and mime she explained that I should latch the door. I gave up and did not even try to explain, that I had left it open as she had instructed me on the first day (or maybe I had understood her incorrectly - more likely).

I had picked up a road map at the book stall and had studied it for quite sometime, so that I would be able to figure out my way around the city. I had also presumed that if I travel for a while in hired three wheelers I would learn the roads soon, but most of the roads are one way, never do I come back home the way I went out.

It is only when I am home in the evening, with music, a book or magazine in hand and vegetables to pare, sitting on the threshold to my terrace that I feel at home.

I am home alone and I love it.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Of broken Tea Cups and Road Trips

I honestly don't remember how many pieces it broke into, although I picked them up myself. I should have counted. Anyways, it had lived its life well, and was destined to break. What doesn't please me is I was instrumental in facilitating its end.

I have always found road trips very interesting and exciting. Yesterday was another sort of a road trip. Foremost, it was on foot. Second, it wasn't a trip at all. It was actually a hunt for a house.

Wandering around an unknown city with 3 friends in tow, the streetlamps to show us the path, my Sunday wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be(Infact I enjoyed it). This sort of an approach works sometimes. Expect absolutely the worst from a situation and you may end up being surprised by what meets you . I wouldn't recommend this approach to anyone. This causes one to become an underachiever if applied to everything in life. It is only when you land in an unknown place and are desperate to try and make it your home, that you should come with your head full of apprehensions, misgivings and ghosts.
I may or may not have found what I had been looking for but in the process, I have discovered what is real.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Is this where I belong?

My job, my life, the city I lived in, all caused me unrest and I wanted to move away. I was on vacation from17th Nov to 4th Dec. Throughout the vacation in Mumbai, Patna, my village and Bangalore, I had been spending time studying OOPS, Database, solving puzzles. It all happened then. I appeared for an interview in an organization I had always wanted to be associated with, on 4th of Dec and that was my lucky day. I got what i had been looking for(atleast that is what I thought!). Oblivious of the perils of moving to a new city I accepted the offer. I am wiser.

I have already recounted days after my vaction when I resinged from my previous. And how they just refused to let me go till I served two months. I am thankful. I got to stay in the city I had got so used to that I almost ignored its existence, a month longer.
13th of February was my last day at work in Noida. My farewwell, friends, colleagues...I wouldnt like to recount all that. 14th of February was spent packing whatever was left of my belongings and visiting relatives and friends in Noida. It was a terrible day! Yet another I wouldnt like to relive or recount.

I reached New Delhi Airport at 7.45 on the morning of 15th February. The flight was supposed to take off at 9 AM. Jinxed as I am, they kept delaying the flight. I read, dozed off, changed places, walked around and watched news on TV. Then an airport staff assisted an old lady who sat down besides me. She appeared very uneasy. He told her that one of the staff will help her board at 11.40 AM. It was just 8.45 AM ! I was surprised at why she was at the airport so early! Nothing or no one could be more harmless than her so I decided I could talk to her for a while. I enquired about her destination and she told me that she was headed towards Ahmedabad. I looked at her ticket and assured her that the staff will take good care of her. It appeared that she was flying alone for the first time. She repeatedly told me that she had come to delhi with her nephew and his wife on a holiday and that they were staying back for a while. They had dropped her early because of "whatever silly reason" I do not remember. And that she liked the weather in Delhi but Ahmedabad was much better. She told me her brother lived in Bangalore (where I was headed). She kept talking but never did I see her smile once. I got her a cup of tea just as they announced my flight. We got in the queue, but they delayed the flight yet again (as I had expected) and I sat down to read.

Reached Bangalore by 3 PM. My first day. I was feeling out of place. Now I am looking for a place to stay. Its shocking to see the houses available for rent. I am hopeful I will find something good before this week ends(there are so many friends helping me out). I have not yet settled down in this city and my employers want me to move to Hyderabad for 6 months on an assingment. I decided not to go.

Things have been moving so quickly, I do not remember most of it. I got my ID card, roamed the huge campus on bicycle, met with my college friends, tripped and fell from the library staircase, missed my bus one morning, did not write for the past 10- 12 days, and dropped a cup placed at my workstation.

Is this where I belong?

I do not know yet.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Of Countries Far Away

It is a long way away. I looked for it on a map, in vain. Its not marked :-( .But I have heard anyway. It is little as little can be. I have seen it in my dreams, for sure. It is pretty as pretty can be. A wishing well, silver pail I searched for it all over, over hours. The meadow is vast. But you will find it without fail.

I picked a scrap last night, I made it into a tiny boat and set it sail, didn't you see? Raindrops poured, it had to put up a fight.

This place I was remembering, have you heard of it? It is rugged, yet serene. Flowers peep out of every crevice, every winding. There are birds, brown, blue, red, and green. There are willows, dipping into sparkling streams. Squirrels and bees. I especially liked this little mongoose. It nosed its way over the flower beds. I bent down to look at it. Oblivious of my presence, it carried on. Sweet oblivion!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Yet Another Day

Incessant rains in the city for the past two days. Watched Black Friday yesterday. Good movie but I wouldnt like to watch it a second time. Too much of stark truth is bad for the senses. I like the songs by the music group Indian Ocean.
It is wet and cold again, and I am spending my last few evenings in the National Capital Region reading newspaper with friends over pizza, tea, old songs, singing and talking.

This is yet another day in my life.

With V-day around the corner, the malls are adorned with big red hearts. My cousin, with his ever enterprising ideas, says : "When I have a mall of my own, I will hang up such hearts and place people in the opposite gallery with shot guns!" He is a good sport and I appreciate his ideas for all they are worth.
I was reading the Times yesterday and I had to use filters to protect my eyes from the red that shone on each page! One article about V-day that I found sensible and really funny is called "Lovers as Buffoons". This is the link to it.
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/1590361.cms

I was talking to my friend this morning and he says: "Your posts are so big! I look at them once and yawn. Then I start reading and by the time I reach the last line I have already forgotten where I began!".

My aunt called me up this morning, obviously annoyed at me for not showing up at her place for the past two weeks and having the audacity of not giving her a phone call.

I have to talk to my HR today and move on with my life.
People have been trying to shield and protect me from the big bad world. Surprisingly they are more scared than I am.

Another day in my life. Cannot even classify it as good or bad. I can just hope the next one is better.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Walking the Line

I have walked the line
It took me an eternity
Life passed me by
I did not reach out

I could have fallen over
It required a resolve
Love passed me by
I shut my eyes

I am still not there
It has sapped my vigor
Yearnings passed me by
I kept the line in sight

Dreams vaporized
Nothing at this end
Days passed me by
Nothing where I began

I will not wish
Jinxed as I am
I will not see nor hear
What is willed will be

I will walk the line
I will not search,I will lose
What's now will never be
What was willed will be.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

To Hell With Everything

I had decided I would quit thinking and writing for a while. I could desist from writing but I could not stop brooding. The turmoil is so great and there's no other outlet, so I turn back to my blog. Back too soon.

I resist, protest, defy.
The feverish pace at which we are moving towards our ends drives me out of my senses.It haunts me. Helplessness is an inapt word for it. Everywhere one turns there is madness...People are possessed. There's nothing that's simple anymore. We want bigger cars, more money, newer cell phones, better jobs, better blogs. There's a global unanimous chant I can hear with every breath I take "To hell with everything and everyone". There's aggression behind every lineament.

Blogs have caught up in the big way. I am sure this is a slightly positive sign...the generation is aware. But the downside to it is, we are belligerent. My blog is better than yours! I have more movie reviews than X. I have written more on what's wrong with women and what's wrong with men. I am empty. Sadly, I have never really had the courage to write what I really know is the truth.

Substance abuse. We realise the hazards, we just dont give a damn. Actually we do not have the time to think whether we give a damn or we dont. Even if we think, it is invariably 10 different thoughts at the same instant. The end result is we manage to consume the time on our hands, fill in the gaps between work, socialization, theatre, movies, blogs, but we never have a logical, productive conclusion to each of those 10 things that we had chosen to think about, because 9 out of 10 times, the cellphone will ring or we find the internet more interesting than the draggy ponderings! All this masquerade we hide behind is aimed at attempting to not see what's right under our noses. We have fears, we have losses, we have shortcomings, but we are non accepting, judgemental, crooked, well read, well educated, lofty, smart, we've seen the world. Why do we ham, when we know we are amateurs? We raise petty questions, bigger questions we choose to ignore.

I write in the first person because I am one of us. I choose to forget certain things, I choose to remember certain others although subconciously I remember everything. It's akin to the cache and the main memory of a computer. I choose to speak something, while I believe something else!

Political intolerance, religious intolerance, existential intolerance. Rising intelligence and information levels have triggered a very unusual era.

People have always been scared of rejection. This phenomenon is not new. What is new is the prolonged mistrust. I have suffered in the past because of Z and this person Y, though is as different from Z as can be, I do not trust him/her. I project my fears or illusions, and hallucinations. Empathy is non existent. Perpetual frowns are the in thing. Trends like "I will love you till the day you love me, not a single day more" are well established(yes I call this a trend).

Where are we headed? Climate change is happening faster than previously predicted. Human trafficking, kidnappings, murders, organised genocide, infanticide, AIDS permeate every social strata. Nothing is black or white these days. Everything is painted grey. I shudder to imagine where or how I will be 2 years down the line, why even bother thinking about 10 years. I am missing out on love. I am missing out on who or what matters to me, I am missing out on what I could have been had I seen even one of those 10 thoughts to its correct conclusion. I am missing out on life but I don't give a damn just because the mass I am running the race with doesn't.

To Hell with everything!

By the Way India elected to field in today's match against Sri Lanka. I pray we win.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

I Quit(just this one time)

I think I should give thinking and writing a rest. I have been posting whatever comes to my overworked head. This space deserves a break from the junk I have been feeding it since October last year. As it is people believe we females are not well equiped to use our brains. I think i should not be pushing the limits of established conventions even though I am certain they are wrong to the extent I have correctly spelt the word 'wrong'! For once I call it quits. Not for their sake, but my own. I will be back soon.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Was it You?

Was it you
Who walked with me?
I was as if in a daze
My stupor was so profound
I had almost lost footing

I could feel
My senses though numb
A wisp of succor
The haze was so thick
I had almost lost direction

Night after night
Dreams chased me
As I chased them by daylight
The race was so exhausting
I had almost missed to live

Was it you
Who tucked that stray strand behind my ear?
As I blinked by the starlit lake
The quiet was so silent
I had almost ceased to breathe

Mile after mile
I walked aimless
The abyss was so dismal
I skirted the shores
I had almost lost what lay within

Was it you
Who walked with me?
I have found myself again
Chasms, darkness, spirits dont intimidate me
It is almost like I am alive again.

Chasing Dreams

Fragments cascade
Cringing, she shuts her eyes
Cowers behind a thin veil
Against the conflagration

Whimsical wishes
To be out under the starry skies
All ablaze and iridescent
There's no place to hide

A darting fugitive
A tiny spunky creature
All pity her, no one stops by
I wish I were at her side

My curtained window
Schisms and lace on fire
A beam decays, cannot stand high
At the crackling,she turns

I see her face
Teardrops streaming from her eyes
She doesnt speak, but pleads
Silently in the besieging blaze

I wake up
Jarred from a dream, I open my eyes
It is a peaceful night
Morning is yet distant

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Patna - Over the Years

(I picked this photo from the internet, I wish I had the time to go out and click one for myself this time I visited Patna).

Patna is a quaint city( I wouldnt even call it a city, it is that small). It is the capital of a quaint state called Bihar. One of the least progressive states in the coutry. Situated on the river Ganges and one of the oldest inhabited places in the world, I have known it over the years as a place with lots of people and unplanned roads, yet I am proud of it.


The history of Patna starts from around 490BC. It has seen the Lichavis, Maurayans, the Palas, Guptas, Mughals and English to name a few.


I have seen it simmer in the summer months, freeze in the winters and flood during the monsoons. Even today when I visit Patna, I see it exactly as it was 20 years back, with the exception of a few new roads and flyovers. The mornings start early, as a huge percentage of the population is from the lower income groups and they have to struggle to make ends meet. The fact that the administration has been excessively passive and insouciant and blatantly corrupt for long years did not help us much.

People who work hard and turn around their fortunes invariably move away to greener pastures.

There are absolutely no institutions for higher studies(we had some, but with the creation of Jharkhand nothing remains). Schools I must say are very good and it is because they maintain very high standards till the higher secondary level, that a big percentage of Biharis get into the IITs and the Civil Services. Although schools take very good care that science and math skills are sharp and polished, one aspect they prove inept at training students is verbal and written communication. Very few schools have competent teachers to develop students' skills in the languages.


The roads are narrow, traffic unregulated, dust and mosquitoes abound. Vegetable vendors, flour mills, sweet sellers, shops, kirana stores, electricians, doctors, quacks have tiny little places strewn about the town. You wont find many shops selling designer and branded stuff. It is advisable to shop in bigger cities that have newer stores.


There is so much about Patna that does'nt appeal to the aesthetic senses. Yet there is so much that attracts me to it. I will not delve into all the finer strands and sinews that bind me to the place because it will take more than the space of a blog to relive and recount. Yet once you venture out into the streets, look at the setting sun, see the dew drops forming, butterflies flitting, the clear starry skies, the simple people, the tangled locks of children on the streets, the dirt, the birds flying to their nests, the beetles on the leaves, the smell of fire on a winter evening, the smoking asphalt and mirage on a summer afternoon, the huge swelling river, you will for once believe you are in a different world.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

Star-Crossed

It was never meant to be
I would bide by instants gone
Weaving in and out of a dream
Why did it happen?
What was never meant to be

I willed it would never happen
Star-crossed as my path is
Sunshine trickles down, blinds me
Did I leave a stray Cleft unbound?
Watch over me while I see

A waif, a wisp, a wanderer
They didn't know her
'tis inviting, this other realm
I will walk over and see, keep my twine
Here I go, hold firm

Is it raindrops, I hear?
Does it rain in these parts?
Must be an illusion
A deluge follows, the rampart crumbles
Fend for me while I build again

I had willed it would never materialize
Star-crossed as my life is
Why can I see those stars gleam?
Makes me uneasy, agitates me
Shroud them, so that I may not see

Let me be
Let me ramble
Why do you mark it?
Star-crossed as my path is

Why did it happen?
This was never meant to be.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Zindagi Rocks!

My cell jumped out of my grip this morning like so many other past instances as I descended the stairs! But this was to be its last jump to freedom. My humour's gone missing. I cannot hear it ring, I can see a tiny triangle in the top left corner, where some gibberish gets displayed. Rest of the screen is blank. Thankfully I have owned it for an eternity, and know its ways well(atleast I thought so). Confidently I dialled a number by punching in the name of the callee and called someone else instead . I told my mom about it and she fainted! Other catches to this are: Most of the numbers are stored in my phone memory, and I cannot retieve them, I cannot set the alarm hence am at the mercy of others to wake me up, I cannot set reminders and am at risk of forgetting other important events...

I forgot my cousin's birthday yesterday(Point to be noted - My phone was healthy then). I had been reminding myself until Sunday that I have to call him on 16th. I did not remind myself on Monday and there goes! I wake up on Wednesday remembering I missed something on Tuesday! The throbbing in my temples from Tuesday is so much in love with me, that it refuses to leave. Why does this always happen with me? I am jinxed. As long as people don't get too mad at me, I can handle it. I called him up tonight and made up for yesterday. Saved.

I picked up the newspaper. Everything is painted with Abhishek's engagement to Aishwarya (Now I suffer from a broken heart as well). As if that was not enough, they print discussions about the Bunt or some such community wanting the wedding according to their customs! How are we concerned with all this or for that matter anything they write in the Times? This was the story of the actual newspaper(wait till you risk reading the Delhi Times)! I have stopped reading the supplements except for the cartoon strips. It is an absolute waste of recycled paper. I strongly recommend they 're-recycle' these pages and put them to better use.

Slogging all day is not enough. Work is spilling over and I have to work at home as well. Come Saturday.
And they haven't yet announced the date for the GIR.
All I can say is "My life Rocks"!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

फ़ुर्सत मिले तो सोचना

कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?
फ़ुर्सत मिले तो सोचना

उस दिन हम चले थे
दो दोस्तों के साथ
बस छुट्टी थी और धूप थी
फ़िर कुछ भी नहीं सोचा

शहर से ज़्यादा दूर भी ना गये
हरी दूब थी और कच्चे रास्ते
बन्दरों का तो मेला लगा था
हम भी शामिल हो गये

सर्दी की सुबह थी
कोई चार साल पहले की बात है
मोर भी थे वहाँ
एक कुएँ की मुंडेर पे हम बैठ गये

किसी ने कुछ भी नहीं कहा
बस देखते रहे सीध में
मन ने पूछा
कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?

उस घड़ी क्या चाहते?
हमने हँसी में उड़ा दी बात
फिर चल पड़े
मिट्टी के रास्तों में दोस्तों के साथ

बहुत आह्लाद था हर कंकड़ में
सब कुछ परिचित सा था
फिर वही सवाल
कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?

आज लगता है
चाहने मात्र में क्या विशेष है?
जितना है बहुत है
इसी को समेट कर रख सकें जीवन परयंत

तुम भी कभी ऐसे
कहीं जाओ तो बताना
कैसा लगता है सब कुछ इतना विशाल
फिर शायद तुम्हें भी ऐसा लगे...

इस विशालता में से
कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?

My Blog in the OT - Courtesy 'YOU'


This one is to you!


Why do I write what I write? Had there been just one event leading to my thinking and writing in a particular way, and had I known that single cause, I would have been more than happy to tell you about it.


It is strange and fascinating to see my posts lying in the OT and being teased to constituent tissues. Have you ever tried to sketch something (need not be on paper but can be an imagination or an observation)? Anything abstract? From a tree on an obscure railway platform, somewhere in Anand Vihar on the last sunny day of the winter when you sit cross legged and solitary on a bench, to a blazing flame that dances around and sends out sparks somewhere in the mountains, to grey clouds and clouded eyes?


Why am I a feminist? I respect all humans and have nothing against the other species. It is just that I stand for who I am. On second thoughts, I think if you casually look at the newspaper on any odd day, there's enough in it to turn any sane human into a staunch feminist!


There are so many things that cannot be put into words. Yes, you figure in more than one way in some of my posts, but I cannot define how or where. Now that you ask I will think over it. When I am writing, I just write whatever is going on in my silly head and stupid heart.


There lies my blog in the OT and I am a mute spectator. I can see pieces of it flying around. You handle some of them in a way they should not be dealt with. You react to some poem of mine that appears silly even to me when I read it a day after I have posted it, in the same way I react and that makes me overreact(whatever that means)! I humbly accept all critism(mine or your doesnt matter). But the trigger for that post (as for most other posts) was what I write in the opening lines. Then as I build on it, there are so many other issues which find back alleys and weave into the words subconsciously. And I never have the heart to delete what's been done. Probably I am another Rip van Winkle and fail to keep up with the times. Whenever I attempt to prune my blogspace of what looks unneeded, I do not suceed and thus you get to see whatever muddle I was juggling with.


Maybe this post will appear incongruos yet again, when I look at it tomorrow. But here it is and this is what came to my mind as I watched by the glass doors.