Star-Crossed

It was never meant to be
I would bide by instants gone
Weaving in and out of a dream
Why did it happen?
What was never meant to be

I willed it would never happen
Star-crossed as my path is
Sunshine trickles down, blinds me
Did I leave a stray Cleft unbound?
Watch over me while I see

A waif, a wisp, a wanderer
They didn't know her
'tis inviting, this other realm
I will walk over and see, keep my twine
Here I go, hold firm

Is it raindrops, I hear?
Does it rain in these parts?
Must be an illusion
A deluge follows, the rampart crumbles
Fend for me while I build again

I had willed it would never materialize
Star-crossed as my life is
Why can I see those stars gleam?
Makes me uneasy, agitates me
Shroud them, so that I may not see

Let me be
Let me ramble
Why do you mark it?
Star-crossed as my path is

Why did it happen?
This was never meant to be.

Zindagi Rocks!

My cell jumped out of my grip this morning like so many other past instances as I descended the stairs! But this was to be its last jump to freedom. My humour's gone missing. I cannot hear it ring, I can see a tiny triangle in the top left corner, where some gibberish gets displayed. Rest of the screen is blank. Thankfully I have owned it for an eternity, and know its ways well(atleast I thought so). Confidently I dialled a number by punching in the name of the callee and called someone else instead . I told my mom about it and she fainted! Other catches to this are: Most of the numbers are stored in my phone memory, and I cannot retieve them, I cannot set the alarm hence am at the mercy of others to wake me up, I cannot set reminders and am at risk of forgetting other important events...

I forgot my cousin's birthday yesterday(Point to be noted - My phone was healthy then). I had been reminding myself until Sunday that I have to call him on 16th. I did not remind myself on Monday and there goes! I wake up on Wednesday remembering I missed something on Tuesday! The throbbing in my temples from Tuesday is so much in love with me, that it refuses to leave. Why does this always happen with me? I am jinxed. As long as people don't get too mad at me, I can handle it. I called him up tonight and made up for yesterday. Saved.

I picked up the newspaper. Everything is painted with Abhishek's engagement to Aishwarya (Now I suffer from a broken heart as well). As if that was not enough, they print discussions about the Bunt or some such community wanting the wedding according to their customs! How are we concerned with all this or for that matter anything they write in the Times? This was the story of the actual newspaper(wait till you risk reading the Delhi Times)! I have stopped reading the supplements except for the cartoon strips. It is an absolute waste of recycled paper. I strongly recommend they 're-recycle' these pages and put them to better use.

Slogging all day is not enough. Work is spilling over and I have to work at home as well. Come Saturday.
And they haven't yet announced the date for the GIR.
All I can say is "My life Rocks"!

फ़ुर्सत मिले तो सोचना

कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?
फ़ुर्सत मिले तो सोचना

उस दिन हम चले थे
दो दोस्तों के साथ
बस छुट्टी थी और धूप थी
फ़िर कुछ भी नहीं सोचा

शहर से ज़्यादा दूर भी ना गये
हरी दूब थी और कच्चे रास्ते
बन्दरों का तो मेला लगा था
हम भी शामिल हो गये

सर्दी की सुबह थी
कोई चार साल पहले की बात है
मोर भी थे वहाँ
एक कुएँ की मुंडेर पे हम बैठ गये

किसी ने कुछ भी नहीं कहा
बस देखते रहे सीध में
मन ने पूछा
कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?

उस घड़ी क्या चाहते?
हमने हँसी में उड़ा दी बात
फिर चल पड़े
मिट्टी के रास्तों में दोस्तों के साथ

बहुत आह्लाद था हर कंकड़ में
सब कुछ परिचित सा था
फिर वही सवाल
कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?

आज लगता है
चाहने मात्र में क्या विशेष है?
जितना है बहुत है
इसी को समेट कर रख सकें जीवन परयंत

तुम भी कभी ऐसे
कहीं जाओ तो बताना
कैसा लगता है सब कुछ इतना विशाल
फिर शायद तुम्हें भी ऐसा लगे...

इस विशालता में से
कभी कुछ चाह कर देखा है?

My Blog in the OT - Courtesy 'YOU'

This one is to you!


Why do I write what I write? Had there been just one event leading to my thinking and writing in a particular way, and had I known that single cause, I would have been more than happy to tell you about it.

It is strange and fascinating to see my posts lying in the OT and being teased to constituent tissues. Have you ever tried to sketch something (need not be on paper but can be an imagination or an observation)? Anything abstract? From a tree on an obscure railway platform, somewhere in Anand Vihar on the last sunny day of the winter when you sit cross legged and solitary on a bench, to a blazing flame that dances around and sends out sparks somewhere in the mountains, to grey clouds and clouded eyes?


Why am I a feminist? I respect all humans and have nothing against the other species. It is just that I stand for who I am. On second thoughts, I think if you casually look at the newspaper on any odd day, there's enough in it to turn any sane human into a staunch feminist!


There are so many things that cannot be put into words. Yes, you figure in more than one way in some of my posts, but I cannot define how or where. Now that you ask I will think over it. When I am writing, I just write whatever is going on in my silly head and stupid heart.


There lies my blog in the OT and I am a mute spectator. I can see pieces of it flying around. You handle some of them in a way they should not be dealt with. You react to some poem of mine that appears silly even to me when I read it a day after I have posted it, in the same way I react and that makes me overreact(whatever that means)! I humbly accept all critism(mine or your doesnt matter). But the trigger for that post (as for most other posts) was what I write in the opening lines. Then as I build on it, there are so many other issues which find back alleys and weave into the words subconsciously. And I never have the heart to delete what's been done. Probably I am another Rip van Winkle and fail to keep up with the times. Whenever I attempt to prune my blogspace of what looks unneeded, I do not suceed and thus you get to see whatever muddle I was juggling with.


Maybe this post will appear incongruos yet again, when I look at it tomorrow. But here it is and this is what came to my mind as I watched by the glass doors.

Saturday Morning - Memory Loss

"Why don't you remember such things?"

My friend always gets mad at me, because I have a tendency to make others mad at me. I was sitting idle after a long and tiring day, where I had talked myself hoarse trying to glean and bestow all project knowledge resident in my head to a fellow teammate(He had to give up life in the Indian Army to work as a software engineer - Life is seldom fair as I always say), when my friend asked me this question:

A: "Did you inform all your friends in Bangalore about the delay in your scheduled arrival?"

Me: "Yes ... Not all...Thanks for reminding me...I will send out texts tonight"

A: "Why don't you remember such things?"

Me:"I don't remember so many things most of the time , A."
No replies for a long time after this statement.

Take for instance I went for a movie (infact two movies - morning and afternoon shows) last Saturday morning.

After having been through the security,my cousin and I secured a big bag of popcorn and a large tumbler of Pepsi and sat down on the stairs with 10 minutes to go for the movie. One of the staff ladies walked over to me and asked(obviously annoyed at us for placing ourselves on the staircase and ruining the decorum of Waves Cinemas by our 'popcorn munching antics'!) : "Which movie are you watching today?" I went blank!

Me: "Wait a second. "

I took out the movie tickets, looked at them and then told her "Anwar"(Why doesnt my cousin come to my rescue? He will pay for it, once I've answered the lady). She said, "You can walk into the audi", and she walked away smiling in disbelief! My cousin was in splits! How can a person remember so much? How do you expect me to remember the name of the movie I came to watch, when I have to remember a thousand other things(I don't remember which - That's a different matter altogether)?

Very diligently , I made sure to let my friends know tonight that I did not manage to get to Bangalore today. I will be there on 14th or 15th of Feb. I hope they forgive my forgetfulness! I am not as bad at remembering things as people think. I sometimes just choose to ignore when my brain and my heart says "beep" and "thud" respectively, not necessarily in that order. They sometimes do so in isolation as well, where just one of them needs to work! Apologies yet again. I know you are never mad at me :-)

Going Home :-)

My brother's wedding is on 24th of January. Everyone(Maa, papa actually!Just the two of them) at home is running every which way. Last minute guest lists and shopping lists are being drawn up. The house has been re-painted, trees trimmed, caterers have been engaged, hotel rooms have been booked. Cards have been sent out, phone calls by the dozen have been made. My parents are in a frenzied state! They do not even have the time to talk to me! They dont even remember who I am! They are not even aware that I am living the life of a 'refugee' in Noida, with all my belongings already sent to Bangalore!

The groom reaches on the 20th of January along with our sibling in Bangalore(I have had long discussions with him , regarding his views on the subject. Have not been very successful. One of the most reticent grooms! On being asked about his attire - "I have got a coat, a tie, a nice shirt, trousers, cufflinks and shoes! The rest will be arranged by ma." I give up!)

I will be home on 21st(finally), after long battles and much 'sword brandishing' on either side(me and my boss).

Our eldest brother and his legal wife(my 'bhabhi' :-) will reach on 22nd January. Then will our troop be complete (not quite)! Now that I have got some time to breathe, I think I am very excited and looking forward to the occasion. On second thoughts, I am worried because I have not shopped for any dresses except one. I will leave it to ma to fix something for me.

4 days to go!

Undefined

There are things that keep coming back to me. Life seldom is fair. We are thrown against rocks very often. We can choose to be knocked about, or find a ledge and make our way uphill. Some things are meant to be, they are destined, and however much we try to change the course of events, we cannot stop them from materializing. We can choose to be a helpless audience or we can make the best effort we can to avert what is to be. In the latter case atleast we have a sense of pride and an assurance that we did all we could.
Some things are there, looking us in the eyes. We can choose not to recognize them or we can forget our fears and misgivings and try to seek a familiarity.

Life cannot be so bad afterall.

iPhone

Apple Computers Inc says: "iPhone combines three products — a revolutionary mobile phone, a widescreen iPod with touch controls, and a breakthrough Internet communications device with desktop-class email, web browsing, maps, and searching — into one small and lightweight handheld device. iPhone also introduces an entirely new user interface based on a large multi-touch display and pioneering new software, letting you control everything with just your fingers. So it ushers in an era of software power and sophistication never before seen in a mobile device, completely redefining what you can do on a mobile phone. "

Their iPods have become a rage(sigh! I don't own one - now that iPhones are here I think I don't need one! ) and with the introduction of iPhones Steve Jobs feels they would be better off being called Apple Inc ('without the computers').

4 GB and 8 GB iPhones are priced at $499 and $599 respectively. If I choose to buy a $599 phone I will have to forego a month's salary. Which means I will have to save in the previous 2 months so that I can continue living decently in the month I buy my iPhone. I can give it a try, but this will involve some waiting and planning. Anything for an iPhone!

Javeda Zindagi

I had absolutely no idea about the movie 'Anwar' or the cast. Chanced upon two songs. One ('Maula') was given to me by my colleague and the other I heard on the radio. And I got hooked on to the second one, just like I got latched on to 'Tere bina' from 'Guru'. This song is called Javeda Zindagi('tose Naina Laagey')


I plan to listen to it continuously the whole day today, until I can find out what is it about the song that I like. It could be the words, the music, the rythm, the voice of the singers or something I can relate to...I am not sure yet. I will have to think over it.


We think, we speak(either to an audience or to ourselves), we write, we have a conversation. All this effort is directed towards defining what needs to be spelt out. We need not do it. There never was a requirement to the effect where we would want to let someone know who we are or what we think. How does it matter what I signify in the teeming multitude? I can think that all of us should give up our jobs, go to the villages and work on farms. I can wish we never had the concept of cars, electricity and air conditioning or a blog for that matter. I can wish I struggle to make ends meet and yet be happy, because I would be with the people I love. I could long for so many different things which would be simply impossible to enumerate in this little space of my blog. But now that I have spelt out "I can wish", I will always have this little prose of mine to come back to and recount my dreams. At the end of the day, we may retract some of what we have been thinking in the course of the day. Yet again, what's the big deal?



There's no one who will sit on judgement and pronounce a verdict, if I go back on what I believe. But wouldn't that be equivalent to dishonesty to oneself, which is worse than being untrue to a second person? I can think over it, which is like exploring whether I am in sync with my thoughts. Either I will convince my thoughts, or my thoughts will convince me but when we face the world together, square and strong, we both should speak and resonate in synchronism.

Motivation Trashed

Another new year. Old table top calendars invariably find their way to the trash bins. This particular calendar caught my attention one evening, while I stood by the printer. And I smiled.

Motivation is the reason for an action, a cause which drives us to action towards a desired goal. But there are cases just like this picture where an individual works aimlesslessly, just for the sake of it or because it is required, and there is no way out in sight, or the person is trapped and finds it hard to breathe. Circumstances rule our lives.

We can let the circumstances rule us for a while(a short while at that), when we do not have a concrete solution, but sooner or later, we have to emerge out of the quicksand, come what may! Life cannot be lived just because it has to be lived, and is not in our hands. And even this sapped state of energies is a motivation to recuperate and spring back.

'Bangalore Envy'

Trend-spotters have come up with a new phrase ‘Bangalore envy’ which they claim would shape people’s lives in the US in 2007. 'Bangalore envy', a now expression referring to movement of much of the world’s smart money to where many of the world’s smart people are, is one of the 10 new phrases that find place in Next Now — a book compiled by marketing guru Ira Matathia and trend-spotter Marian Salzman.

I read in the Times of India today, that Bangalore is the second city in the world after Shanghai, to be turned into a verb 'Bangalored', which stands for losing job or business after relocation.
India's Silicon Valley is emerging at a fast pace. Civic amenities are strained, yet influx continues unabated.

It is inspiriting to see our people in Bangalore, with their bright brains are causing unease in the US Corporate world.

Of Meetings and More

My Last working day!

History:
Joined - 8th June 2005
Promoted - April 2006
Resignation - 13th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Project Manager(PM) - 13th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Noida Operations Head - 13th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Line Manager(LM) - 14th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with HR - 14th Dec 2006
Exit Interview with Senior HR Consultant - 17th Dec 2006

Offline Discussions with PM, LM and HR - Innumerable.

8th January 2007 - Train at 5 PM
Project Status Meeting 1 PM - Everything under control.
Exit Meeting - Scheduled 2PM
Rescheduled 4PM
Rescheduled 4.45 PM
Rescheduled 5.30 PM
Intimation from Finance Dept that they have not yet been able to process my Citibank Account outstanding amount - 3.00PM

Result - Going to miss my train. Lost 2 kilos!

Letting Go

If you let go, You realise you never needed it and that your life is the same with or without it.

I understand, in some cases everything will not be the same instantly and may never be, but eventually you will feel liberated.

In a Soup

I am in a soup, alright! And considering my swimming skills, I risk drowning.

I wish everything were different!
Being pulled into so many different directions at the same time is overwhelming. Monday is supposedly my last working day(LWD). I have been singing this in the ears of my HR and my Line Manager(who has been very cooperative) every third day for the past 4 weeks but my boss(Project Manager) never had the courage to discuss my LWD in a meeting. He has not been in for the past week.

Tomorrow I will pack my belongings. On Sunday I have called the Packers and Movers to transport my car and other movable property to Bangalore, reducing my state to near homeless.

I have to reach Bangalore on the 13th and report to my new employers on the 15th of this month.

Yesterday, after being prodded on by a wellwisher, I got my reservation for home done for Monday, the 8th of January. Everything looked so right and appropriate.

This morning I went to discuss my LWD with the HR again and to tell her that I have got my tickets done for Monday. But it appears she had a conversation with my boss and he wishes to discuss things! How stupid can a situation get? Was he asleep when I had been singing all these days that I wish to be set free on the 8th of January so that I can get on with my life? Why does he suddenly want to discuss all this now? Why does he refuse to see logic and reason and realise that all possible project transition has been done. There's nothing I can do further, and there's no point in making me continue working on this assignment, when others can take over wholeheartedly, whereas I will work, but like a zombie.

I am tired.
Let me go.

Why doesnt everybody recognize, that a person has limits, stretching beyond which is humanly not possible.

Test me further, strain me further and I break.

Destination - Bangalore

Area: 365.6 sq.km. Altitude: 914.4 m (3000 ft) above sea level

Geographical Location:Latitudinal Parallels: 12° 57' NLongitudinal Meridians: 77° 37' E

Climate:Unlike other parts of India which are extremely hot in the summer months, Bangalore enjoys a relatively mild climate year round. March to May (warmest months)June to September (rainy - South-West Monsoon)November to December (rainy - North-East Monsoon)December to January (coldest months)

Temperature:Highest maximum of 37 degree Celsius to lowest minimum of 14 degree Celsius

This is where I am headed and the next two pictures show what I dread.

I have heard it is a decent city. Home to about 6 million people, it is the fifth largest city in India. It is the Information technology capital of India with nearly 1000 software units. Karnataka Government offers special Incentives for Investors in the IT field. Information technology is an Industry and not a commercial venture.
On the cultural front, Bangalore is very tolerant. People are warm and ready to help anytime you need them. One problem is that some of the Green grocers, and laundry staff do not understand either English or Hindi. The second problem is I do not understand Kannada. The dress code is determined by the weather(which is mild to warm). Eating joints close around 11 pm through midnight. Taxi drivers, hair dressers, porters expect a 10-15% tip. Same applies to restaurants.
From my experience of the city, it is extremely difficult to navigate through the traffic. It may take more than 1.5 hours for a distance of 12-14 kms.
It is better that I do not add to the congestion on the roads and use public transport instead, till the time the situation turns for the better.

After a practical analysis of my destination, I will assess the impractical significance of the city:
Foremost, I am looking forward to living in Bangalore. I have seen it attract intellectuals from remote corners of the nation and keep them.
It is a city, which has not yet come to terms with its modernity completely. It is tremendously progressive, but never lets the ground out of sight.

Stop

This is it. Today when I am very busy, I will stop suddenly, while the world rushes past. I wish to experience how it feels like to be suspended, temporarily frozen. I will turn round and look at the roads I travelled, the places I went, the people I met, the dreams I fulfilled, the aspirations I gave up and most important of all, where I stand. Should I stand my ground? I decide to stay. There's no turning back, or running away from here. What needs to be done, must be done. What appears unnecessary at the moment, but will be essential in future must not be ignored and work should start on it pronto. Now that I have taken stock of 'it' all, I am ready to run the race. No time to be lost. Have to put in all strength I can muster. My stop ends here.

Delhi Hazed Over - Like every Other Year

Its winter in Delhi and the mist hangs heavy. Travel becomes a daunting task and most dread it. But going places never stops. People have to answer when called. I find it difficult to commute to and from work.

I was reading the TOI and they have a variety of interesting headlines:

Capital blues: Fog disrupts flights, rail traffic
Bright, sunny start to New Year? Fogget it
Flights come a full circle
For most, fog plays party pooper on New Year eve
Planes, trains... nothing moves in fog-hit Delhi
DGCA puts airlines on mat
Woman threatens suicide amid travel chaos
Fog to dog schedules this season too

I am moving to Bangalore on Saturday, the 13th of January. I get nightmares thinking of the D-day. What if my flight doesnt take off? What if it takes off, but never lands (i mean gets lost in the dense fog and loses its way?). I admit, I have pretty far-fetched ideas and never practice restraint, when I begin writing. I will not think of all this now. I will think of it later.

But reading stuff in the newspapers like the following, gives me a hopeless feeling:
1. On second January an Air Deccan flight took 22 hours to reach Chennai.
2. All flights except the CAT III B-enabled Indian flights had to be either rescheduled or cancelled due to the foggy conditions, airport sources revealed.

3. The city woke up to dense fog on New Year day with weak light filtering through the maze of tree branches, virtually leafless in winter, making it a mysteriously romantic morning. But for those catching flights, the erratic winter romance was fast turning into a perfect nightmare. Nothing took off or landed until 8.30 am, and after that, only a few CAT III-B enabled international flights hesitantly took off. All domestic flights — most of them with CAT-ignorant pilots — sat on the tarmac like beached whales.

I was reading up details regarding CAT( It is a four legged small animal.A feline mammal usually having thick soft fur and no ability to roar).

I came across two usages:

One stands for Clear Air turbulence. It is caused when bodies of air moving at very different speeds meet. What results are pockets that cannot be detected without the use of instruments with optical techniques such as scintillometers (I will refrain from writing about it although I did some digging - because I am bored). Even with scintillometers it is very difficult to detect these clear air turbulences and is hazardous for air navigation. There may be some bodies of air that are moving vertically, while some may be moving at a diagonal and others horizontally. This causes the aircraft to accelerate suddenly and may cause injuries when the crew is thrown around over a particularly perilous pocket.

We cannot do much, except do our best at avoiding such unfortunate incidents. When pitched against the powers of the vast skies, we mortals do not stand a chance.

The second is the usage which comes into picture around winters in Delhi:

In case of CAT IIIB operations, we refer to Category IIIB of RVR(Runway Visual Range). The RVR value for CAT IIIB is 150 ft. More details can be found on it at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runway_visual_range .

Runway Visual Range (RVR) is an aeronautical term defined as the range over which the pilot of an aircraft on the centre line of a runway can see the runway surface markings or the lights delineating the runway or identifying its centre line.

It is of consequence that people are missing out on commitments because of delayed flights and feel helpless and stranded, but what is of greater consequence is, why is there a dearth of training and CAT III B systems on Indian flights?