I'm Happy

Friday, 30th March 2006

Yet another day in my life and a great one at that.
I am grateful for this day and hope tomorrow is just as good if not better.

4 AM

I had to attend an all day session today but forgot to attend the first half! Made it to the Open House after lunch and the last session. I will have to go through the ordeal of attending the missed half very soon. I do not like the idea.
Spent an hour washing the car in the evening.
Its 4 AM and I have nothing better to do, but fill in this blog space with more meaningless words.
Summer is already here and I am not very fond of it. I used to love it in school because we would get 2 months worth of holidays. Now is different.
I'll go read something.

Does Time ever turn back?

Where does this road lead? She had not wondered until she reached the bend. She never felt the necessity to wonder.

Every path she had tread until a few years back had been well laid out for her. All rocks carefully removed and all grains and pebbles strained away lest they hurt her. She was so used to prancing barefoot on these harmless trails, so accustomed to being picked up even if she faltered a step, so much entwined within the fabric of her home, so very dependent on the people she had known for years for every little word of encouragement and affection that she took them for granted. She never once thought before she made a phone call at 3 in the morning to cry a little into sympathetic ears before an exam she was scared of, or when she felt homesick among the multitude of kids around or when she broke a photo frame or when she dashed a bottle of perfume or to rejoice for a game she had won, or when she couldn't sleep over a bad dream. Now she hesitates.

People grow apart. Not necessarily out of diminishing attachments, neither out of force of habit, but because of expanding circles of life and ever growing responsibilities. She thinks before she makes a phone call now and henceforth always will.

I wish time would turn back. She has closed her eyes in an attempt to shield herself on the roads she has been walking solitary for the past some time. She walks mechanically. Sometimes, looking over her shoulders hoping someone will come to her just like they always did, if she missed a step, when she would play in the yard, blindfolded. They do not. Turning back, she can see all eyes on her, just like the first day she stood up and took a step unaided. They applauded then. Today, they just watch, silent, and apprehensive. Why don't they tell her what to do? Why don't they tell her what's been bothering them as they used to? Why won't they walk with her? She is so used to them. She looks away to wipe the wet on her cheeks and walks on wondering. Why do they pretend to have become so indifferent? Don't they worry anymore? Why don't they talk to her anymore like they used to? Why won't they come to play with her in the evenings? Why won't they hide their chocolates only to let her steal them later? Why won't they quarrel with her over a comic book? Why won't they even incite her to hit them with her fisted hands, and laugh at her attempts? Why will they just smile a worried little smile when she speaks incessantly and incoherently as is her wont? Why won't they show her how to paint a door? Why won't they put up streamers and balloons on her birthday? Why won't they read a book to her in the afternoons? Why won't they fly a kite with her anymore and take her to their cricket grounds as an umpire? Why aren't they there to carry her down when she climbs up a flower tree to hide? Why won't they comb her hair and tidy her when she comes home dirty, from wallowing in mud ponds in the village? Why won't they hide her behind the sofa when their mother loses patience over the nth broken tea cup? Why don't they put her on their bicycle and take her around town anymore? Why won't they make fun of her when she fools around in their oversized shoes?

Will Time never turn back?
The pain is overwhelming.
She lets the road lead her wherever it will.
Walk she will!

Dancing all Night

Dew still lingered
It dribbled softly
Into puddles at the feet
Of the shrubs

My feet hurt
From the exhaustion
From the drill
From the ecstacy, the flight
From dancing all night

The sky melted
Raindrops pattered
Into the puddles
Mingled with the dew
Strains flowed, anew

I just couldn't stop
This was one game
I never tired at
I jigged, I waltzed
I danced all night

Morning yet distant
All was dark
I struck a match
Stood lone
My dancing shoes still on

A stray drop rolled down
Memories rushed by
I blew out the light
I must not forget all
Just 'coz I danced all night

Leaves sparkled
Dew dribbled softly
Washed by raindrops
Into the puddles at the feet
of the shrubs

Morning lit
Birds awoke, stirred
I lay by the window
Couldn't get up, how I tried
Probably I was tired, from dancing all night

Back of Beyond

Moonbeams filtered through the chintz curtains
She sat looking at the dark green beyond
It was only yesterday, they had sat there
Music streamed into the night one after another score
They had waltzed shoeless
Till their feet were blistered and sore

Faint tapers had glowed by the brown walls
Wax trickled and the the candles waned
Dribbled on the wooden floor
They had not heard when the wind rustled in the trees
They had ceased to hear, to breathe
Till they were woken by the prying breeze

The dawn lit the yellow earth on the streets
Soft dirt winged as silent footsteps fell
The candles had burnt into their sockets
White lilies, and bluebells glistened by the golden pond
She smiled, and realised, it had been just her
She alone, travelling to the back of beyond

Mahashweta

I read the review on my friend's blog ( http://wishes-and-world.blogspot.com/2007/03/mahashweta-book-review.html ) and had been interested in reading the book 'Mahashweta' by Sudha Murty ever since. I read it today and am glad I did. It defines relations in such a different light. Strength and belief are all one has to fall back on.

In the world I live in, I had almost forgotten cruelty and segregation of the sort still exit. Apparently they do and on a big scale, however much I shut my eyes and keep the real world out. I will not dwell on the content of the book. Although it is a small book and not more than one or two hour's worth, I would never be able to do justice to the depth it has. I am still in a trance. It sure has volumes to speak.

Riding the Waves

A storm brew in the distance
Silent waves yet cradled the boat
I knew it wasn't far
They would be dashed to the rocks
The tide kept rising
Submerged the shore
Riding the Waves,they prayed
Deftly they steered the boat
But the storm bore down
Gasping, they resurfaced
I knew it wasn't far
They would never make it ashore.

Its 19th

Its the 19th of March 2007 and I feel just as I felt on the 18th! There are so many things happening around. It doesn't really help when I am not able to talk to people, that really matter to me, however much I pretend they don't. Its worse to wait before washing clothes that have been soaked in detergent. Clothes that the previous week's usage has rendered unusable for the next.

I have to watch India's match against Bermuda with my friends tonight, but I lost all zeal for it following the unfortunate incident of Bob woolmer's death.

Why don't we realise that life is short and there is nothing in life more important than just being there. No amount of riches, no glitter, no conquests, its just being alive that counts.

I could walk to the end of the world
No, let me do it, it doesn't matter
What's another mile?
In truth, I want to walk
If its only to see you smile.

First Game Fizzles out!

I had 'Great Expectations' from the first match India was going to play in the World Cup. I specially packed my toothbrush, comb and some buiscuits to go over to my friends place to watch the match. We kept our fingers crossed, but all hopes of a victory were dashed when India lost to Bangladesh by 5 wickets. It was depressing the way we batted. Even the ones who managed above 50 runs, did so at the expense of time and overs lost. It was a disaster from the start. I wont venture to post the scorecard (psst..its embarrassing!)
To reduce our gloom we switched channels and watched the Ireland Vs Pakistan match. Pakistan had worse fate than ours. They lost with a score of 132!
There are slim chances of us going to the Super 8. Sri Lanka are a tough team, and they've already won their first One Day against Bermuda. We will win against Bermuda but Sri Lanka will be a more skilled opponent. Still Sri Lanka are our only hope, since my faith in the Indian team has suffered considerably after the night out of yesterday. May we win against them.

Come 19th and I will pack my toothbrush once more and head towards my friends place.

The Craziness of it All

A needle poking from my mattress? My mother always told me not to do any sewing on the bed. Had I listened to her I would not have to get up and feel the entire length and breadth of the stupid mattress at 3.30 in the night. Probably a fibre of whatever it is made of! It sure is annoying.

Anyhow it is not very cheering to get up at 3.00 when you finally somehow cajoled yourself to sleep at 2.30. And then lie awake after some silly nightmare. I knew the day would be bad from the start. For one I came back by the 3.15 bus in the afternoon. I should have stayed on, gone for tea with friends in the evening, but who listens to reason. I have to do what I will. I flipped on the lights, tried watching 'Chicken Little' to soothe my nerves a bit(I love to see him fly off on the soda bottle!), wrote a stray text message, got a glass of water, ate a few cookies and some chocolate, but to no avail. What is scarier than the nightmare is the dread, looking at the watch produces. Its 5.00 AM and work in 3 hours time(though not too much to keep me busy through the day). The very thought vapourises whatever little inclination to go back to sleep might have remained.

The craziness of it all! I will not leave work until the hands on my watch show 6.15 in the evening. Work or no work, I will stay put until I can come home with not more than 4 hours at my disposal. Surf the net, fix dinner, talk to friends, surf the net, write a little, read a bit, and be off to sleep.

Lost

It was right here
I had been looking fot it
For a while
I lost it again
I am not searching anymore
I am sure to lose it
If ever it comes back to me
Let it stay Lost

Of chocolates and More

Met a friend after 6 years. I got my long overdue treat of chocolates(though it was bigger than a treat owing to the time elapsed and the interest accrued). I have a big box of Ferrero Rocher, 2 Lindts, a Toblerone and a Temptations at my disposal :-) I just adore them in this pic. I could look at them for hours!

It was good to talk of old times.

One Day very Soon

Have I told you lately, what it means for me to be in love?
As far as I can recall, I think I never told you. I had never thought about it. I am a bit of a dreamer. But I never pictured what it is to be in love. i think I was too much into it, living and breathing it that I never envisaged it.

"Will you lift the blinds, and let the light in? I love to see the sunshine on those white flowers.
I would have done it myself like all these years past, but I feel a little strained and it is tad too big an effort for me get out of bed and put on my slippers."
"Will you water the plants, before you leave for work? No...don't worry about my breakfast. I will lay like this for a while, then I shall get up and fix something to eat if you will leave the bread and butter on that table by the window. I never even said sorry, I don't prepare your breakfast and meals any more."

I should be fine soon. I know it. I don't care what people say. I will get up with the first rays, one day very soon.

"Here, let me tidy your cuffs. You never notice the fabric overlap. I've reminded you every day, these past 8 years! Now don't just stand there grinning! Lean over a little, I cannot reach up to where you stand."

I can see the days crawl by. It is an effort to be able to breathe. But I should be fine soon. Don't you worry. I will be at the breakfast table and at the door in the evenings one day very soon.

"Wait, you forgot the paper. Would you like to take it with you?"

I can see the sadness in your eyes. I know you would rather not be here and not see all this. I can see you pretend to be happy and calm, though I can see storms brew often and clouds darken. They subside. An effort you make, that costs me more breaths, more life. Can you sit down beside me and for once let me know, what it is for you to see me fading away each day? But I wont witness these clouds for long. I should be fine soon. I will stand by you in the rains, and look down from the mountain tops just like we used to, one day very soon.

"Will you put me in that chair by the window before you leave? I know how much I pester you. But you know how I like to doze off in the sun, with my book."

Actually I am tired of sitting by that window, watching the sky burn, then slowly blush with a ruddy glow, and then darken. Until you come back and my world lights up again. I should be fine soon. I don't care what people say. I will walk with you in the evenings, and cook your dinner. I will iron your clothes for morning as well. Don't you worry. We will be as we were, one day very soon.

Scarlett - 2

"The old ladder is under my quilts, Momma. Grainne told me to save it"
From cold war to Irish insurgence and unrest. Horse races, Dublin, River Liffey, Georgia, Charleston. This book never tires me. I can read it while I am walking, while I am talking, or on a bus to work and even when I am half asleep, and still remember everything as though I had been watching a movie.
Scarlett has surely changed and matured into a real person. Although she had to face greater hardships and bleak times in Gone With the Wind, she did not learn humility once she was victorious. She was trying hard to be someone she was not. And she lost Rhett eventually.
I am done with reading the book and surely regret my premature review - 1.
I have never seen a more determined person. She builds a lost town almost single handedly, raises her daughter, never once looking for help. She never gives in to the insufferable agony, and rejection that she has had to face all her life with her people. It is only when she is in Ireland on the lands of the O'Hara's that she discovers herself. Rhett hasn't changed much. He is the same infuriating, loving character he's always been.

I am glad I read the book. It has definitely changed my opinion about Scarlett 'O Hara. I simply love it when Rhett and Scarlett are back together. She belongs with him and it should have been like that all along. Their little girl Cat(Katie O'Hara) is another character I will remember for a long time.

I'll take you home again, Kathleen
Across the ocean wild and wide
To where your heart has ever been
Since first you were my bonny bride.
The roses all have left your cheek.
I've watched them fade away and die.
Your voice is sad when e'er you speak
And tears be-dim your loving eyes.
And I wll take you back, Kathleen
To where your heart will feel no pain.
And when the hills are fresh and green
I will take you home, Kathleen

For all Gone With the Wind fans, this book is a must read.

Paper Boats

Fathomless and unbounded
The ravine filled in August
It had rained incessantly for weeks
The mud baked walls had mellowed
How I wished I could hold them close
And prevent them from disintegrating

Evenings stole on me,
Games of a different sort.
Morn...Smoke curtained trees, flowed
Embers from the night's fire
Unsatiated, still glowed

Strangers and kin
A collusion, oblivion
I journeyed to the yore
I have a faint remembrance
Is this how it were before?

Long years have gone by
I cannot look back
Shallow puddles, paper boats
Take them asunder
I am challenged by daunting moats

Fathomless and unbounded
The ravine filled in August
It had poured, night after night
Water streaked walls crumbled
Paper boats, soggy and wet
How I wish I hold them afloat.

Garden City - Parched Throats

The Hindu prints " Not all citizens have access to safe drinking water in Bangalore. Yet the BBMP uses more than 160 lakh litres of borewell water for its parks, medians and junctions everyday"!
Appalling.
Reason - Treated water likely to cost more.

I consumed tap water in my kitchen for 2 days and was down with stomach infection and fever. This forced me to look for bottled water. Most of the people do likewise.

The treatment plants are not located close enough to the parks. They have fancy plans to build new plants, start rainwater harvesting etc. I pray it is accomplished before any further damage. On second thoughts, does it really matter? I can survive on bottled water. Should I be worrying about the thousands I see on the streets and in the slums?
I can afford to move around the town and appreciate the green gardens and well maintained traffic junctions. Do they earn enough to spend Rs 50 on a 20 litres bottle of water?

I would rather like to watch Disney's Tarzan and Jane than worry myself silly over all this.

Scarlett

Years back I had read the book "Gone with the Wind". It is a big book and very interesting. Revolves around Scarlett O'Hara, Rhett Butler, Ashley, Melly and a host of others. War, misfortunes, struggles to keep her home Tara alive and losses.
Now I am reading its sequel Scarlett. The book is not very different from the previous. Another set of losses and mishappenings. What keeps me going is the one statement I love about these two books..." I will not think of it now, I will think of it later ".

She is a strong woman. The only good attribute to her. A little crazy and shrewd at times. I do not like her much, nobody does. Some people even pity her. That makes me relent and let her be.

The author Alexandra Ripley writes in a fashion a little different from Margaret mitchell's and sometimes overdoes my favourite line. She has succeeded in doing 'part justice' to the sequel. Anyways sequels never are a match to what the first books are. Good attempt.

The Fabled Lake

I touched the surface with my toes
I did not see a ripple
It was glass and stiff
The fabled lake.
I drew my shawl around me
I did not see a warm ray
All beams dropped on it
And disappeared.
I tried to dip a finger
It was cold and grey
I did not feel at home
Formidable and proud, it shone.
Scared, I called out their names
Desperate, I tugged at the binds
They wouldn't take me back
Left where I was, tired
I sat down by the fabled lake.

Home Alone

"I understand English and Hindi".
"No Eenglish...vonly Kannada"!

"Coconut with 'Malai'"
I get a coconut with water only. On being queried, he explains something in Kannada with a smile on his face, obviously oblivious of what I had asked for.

I left the terrace door ajar last Thursday morning as per the instructions of my landlady. When I came back from work in the evening she was waiting for me at her door steps. In a very difficult mixture of Tamil, English and mime she explained that I should latch the door. I gave up and did not even try to explain, that I had left it open as she had instructed me on the first day (or maybe I had understood her incorrectly - more likely).

I had picked up a road map at the book stall and had studied it for quite sometime, so that I would be able to figure out my way around the city. I had also presumed that if I travel for a while in hired three wheelers I would learn the roads soon, but most of the roads are one way, never do I come back home the way I went out.

It is only when I am home in the evening, with music, a book or magazine in hand and vegetables to pare, sitting on the threshold to my terrace that I feel at home.

I am home alone and I love it.